Sestina for an Annoying Publicist

I don’t know why you don’t just call your client
tell them I want five minutes on the phone
sometimes it’s just easier to talk
I just think it’s kind of a pain in the ass
to do everything over email
it can, ironically, be a waste of time.

I know we’re all pressed for time
no one more so than your client
as you mentioned in your email
that you wrote from your phone
I can tell you think I’m a pain in the ass
There’s no need to talk

About it…and it’s not that I love to talk
and it’s not like last time
I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass
and I don’t want to bother your client
but I really bet he’d rather spend five minutes on the phone
than ten answering my email

Wow you are really obsessed with doing everything over email
I bet you’d rather see me dead in the middle of Fountain Avenue than talk
with me on the phone
do you know how much time
you waste for your client
not just calling and saying, “I hate to be a pain in the ass

but that pain in the ass,
that I wrote you about in the email?
Him? Oh no. He’s a client.
I would never talk
badly about him, you must have got something mixed up with the other time
we talked on the phone

anyway, she wants to talk to you on the phone
I know it’s a pain in the ass
but she only wants five minutes of your time.”
Then you could write me an email
and he and I would talk
and that would be the end of my demands on you and your client.

What’s your problem with the phone? Why are you so obsessed with email?
I wish I were rich enough to tell you you’re a pain in the ass. That would be our last talk.
I’m asking you, one last time. Can I please just have one conversation with your client?

Previously: What If a Women’s Magazine Editor Edited a BBC News Story About Syria?

Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl. She lives in Nevada City, CA. Follow her on Twitter @sarahlovescali.