A Few of Their Favorite Things

by Bobby Finger

Tonight, NBC will air The Sound of Music Live!, a three-hour rendition starring Carrie Underwood as Maria. In preparation, some favorite things.

LORDE
Teenage abandon and bobbing on TV,
Snapchats from girlfriends and outselling Britney,
Trying my best not to see diamond rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

JEFF BEZOS
Buying newspapers and squeezing my dollars,
Next-day delivery, efficiency scholars,
Not drones at all are you fucking kidding,
These are a few of my favorite things.

KRIS JENNER
When you take photos or look my direction,
Gossip and rumors and general attention,
Unhappy daughters and press that they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

TOM DALEY
Diving and diving and diving and diving,
Diving and diving and diving and diving,
Dustin Lance Black and then oh yeah diving,
These are a few of my favorite things.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE
Time with my brothers and touring the nation,
Acting and laughing and self deprecation,
Nothing compares to the pleasure farts bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

BEYONCE
Unreleased albums and big tours that follow,
Insider glimpses that remain quite hollow,
Surrogate moms and fake bellies that cling,
These are a few of my favorite things.

KANYE WEST
CAPS LOCK AND DONDA AND GUESTING ON ELLEN,
SHAKESPEARE AND WARHOL AND HONESTLY ANCHORMAN 2,
I DON’T HAVE TO RHYME AS YOU UNDERSTAND RHYMING
THIS IS A NEW KIND OF VERSE,
IN TIME YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THIS SCHEME,
THIS PATTERN
OF WORDS
BUT RIGHT NOW IT JUST SEEMS LIKE NONSENSE
NON.
SENSE!!!!!
YOU WILL DISCOVER THE TRUTH IN TIME
THESE RHYMES.
THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

Bobby Finger is a registered voter and a Beyoncé pregnancy truther.