The Secret Diary of David Duchovny
by Rachel Farrell
March 11, 2013
I am David Duchovny. You can call me Di-Di. Today I ate some Styrofoam peanuts and floated around in the heated pool of my luxury mansion. Then I watched Moesha on DVD. Later I plan on throwing a handful of special marbles into the ozone layer. Each marble has a tiny alien brain inside of it. They will know what to do.
April 26, 2013
I’m watching the X-Files. A dog is biting people in the face! You could not catch this dog with your bare hands.
UPDATE: A man just tried to catch the dog with his bare hands and the dog ate his hands.
May 9, 2013
I am watching the X-Files. Scully was blinded by a voo-doo man from the Appalachians! Mulder (me) rescued her just in time.
May 10, 2013
My name is sometimes Mulder. That’s pretty close to Murder!
July 2, 2013
Today, Di-Di would like to give you some advice. You will be happy to receive this advice because you look up to me as a hero and a champion.
1. Wait for the Great Blindness that is prophesied for 2014. Stand in your front yard. Dance like nobody’s watching.
2. Appreciate what you have, even if you have syphilis. I have had syphilis 14 times and was able to overcome it each time with the power of positive thinking. Some people think I still have syphilis but they are wrong. “You have syphilis!” they say. I just laugh and laugh. Then I have them assassinated by my friend Wally Swain, who lives under my house. Wally Swain is a duck and he does not fuck around.
3. This last thing is not a secret to success but a self-portrait I thought you could print out and put on your refrigerator:
August 17, 2013
Today is a very exciting day for Di-Di. I have decided to become a famous novelist, like Leon Tolstoy or Jodi Picoult. My book will cost $29.99 and it will be sold at Borders and maybe Wal-Mart. You will not be able to buy my novel at a used book store because no one will ever give it away. I am still deciding on a title but I have narrowed it down to the following:
- DAVID DUCHOVNY’S BOOK OF FACTS AND STORIES
- THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN SYPHILIS
- I SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND NOW MY BACK HURTS
- IS IT JUST ME OR ARE PUPPIES REALLY CUTE??
- HANOVER, CT DOES NOT HAVE A HARDEE’S
- BLIND MAN IN A BLINDFOLD
- I NEED TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE
- DO YOU HAVE SOME PANTS I COULD BORROW UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE?
- THERE ARE ALOT OF GREG WHITES IN THE TELEPHONE DIRECTORY (AND ONE OF THEM COMMITTED A MURDER!)
- THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES
September 8, 2013
Here is a very sad story about Di-Di that will make you cry and say “No, stop, too blue!”
I ate my brother in the womb. It was an accident. I didn’t know he was my brother, I thought he was just another baby.
R.I.P. CECIL DUCHOVNY 11/7/59–3/1/60
October 12, 2013
I’m watching the X-Files. People are dying! It’s the swamp monster that eating them.
Rachel Farrell is a writer in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Ninth Letter, and Pank. She’s on Twitter @rachelfarrell.