Susan Miller’s Guide to October: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Good news for everyone in September! October will be difficult for us all so get things done immediately — signed sealed and delivered.

— Astrology Zone (@astrologyzone) August 28, 2013

Celebrity astrologist Susan Miller’s October report is delayed, and her often eerily accurate website is down, and this is something of a reason to panic, according to a friend I trust on the matter: October, Susan Miller has been warning Twitter for months, will be hell. For everyone. Mercury is in retrograde after October 21, we’re told, but really no time this month is safe for anyone. The warnings, gathered from her tweets the past few months:

• “Cosmic storms” are raging the first week of October. You essentially should not do anything even remotely important until after October 7. (This includes significant haircuts, though trims are fine.)

• Definitely do not sign anything until after October 7.

• Actually, do not sign anything from October 21 to November 10, when Mercury is in retrograde. To review: You can sign things between October 7 and October 21. You are also encouraged to not sign anything on October 18 (eclipse).

• ATTN Leos: Do not purchase computers this month. Do not purchase designer clothes this month. Probably safest to not purchase much this month, generally.

• If you absolutely must do something important this month, let it be on Columbus Day weekend (October 11–15), which is our only potential oasis for the next 30 days. Be warned, however, that the pocket may actually only span from October 10–14. Or, wait: October 11–12.

• “Possible problem in Syria October 19.”

• It has begun.