Open Letter Ouroboros
At Autostraddle, an opus on a “a chain of events has been put into motion which no force in heaven or earth can stop until it’s run its course and we are left with the smoking, burnt-out ruins of a culture.”
Caitlin Moran has already started her open letter to Amanda Palmer about how everything a woman does is okay, because she’s a woman and that’s what feminism means. Elizabeth Wurtzel will write an open letter to Moran on The Daily Beast, suggesting that she lose weight and consider some light cosmetic surgery, and Wurtzel’s letter will then devolve into a 900-word rant that seems to either be about how impressed she is by Miley’s lack of cellulite or how millennials have turned rock ‘n roll into a “meth lab of the heart.” Jessica Valenti will write to Wurtzel about everything that’s wrong with everything that she’s said for the past five years. Taylor Swift will write to Valenti about how The Purity Myth hurt her feelings, and later also write a song about it. Roxane Gay will express mild disappointment at how much time and energy we are all apparently willing to expend over a twenty-year-old girl riding a wrecking ball naked, and go on to curate a really amazing and heartwarming series for The Rumpus about seminal sexual experiences with construction equipment. xojane will publish “It Also Happened To Me: I Was Torn To Pieces By Sinead O’Connor.” Later, it will be revealed to have been written by Pope Francis.
Brad Paisley has already begun his open letter to Billy Ray Cyrus to express solidarity, knowing that Miley is just being accidentally slutty and also accidentally racist, and Billy Ray Cyrus will respond to the open letter with a tweet reading only “#mileythemovement.” Annie Liebovitz’s personal assistant’s personal assistant will be tasked with looking through seventy hard drives to determine whether or not Annie wrote but did not publish an open letter five years ago in which she unapologetically, and correctly, predicted that it will be Liebovitz’s own early vision of a slutty Miley Cyrus that sent her down a blustery path of sluttery. Kanye West will write 17 all-caps twitter updates promoting the release of a one-off single called “Open Letter” that samples “Can’t Be Tamed” and features vocals that are just Miley howling into the microphone. His seventeenth tweet will include links to Miley’s video for “Party In The USA” and, inexplicably, his own video for “Runaway.”
The whole thing is so good. It’s Friday: let us pray, for a weekend free of shootings as well as open letters.