Film Programming for the Bedroom

by Zoe Pollock

Winter is coming, which means that streaming and/or snuggling season is upon us, which means that you too can use movie nights to get laid. Here, a short list of films to watch and cinematically-appropriate sex pairings, offered in reverse chronological order, so you can enjoy film sex like a fine wine that gets kinkier with age.

Holy Motors (2012): Gremlin noises, costume changes, lots of biting.

Shame (2011): Masturbation, desperation, fenestration sex.

Fish Tank (2009): It is not my fault that Netflix carries all of Michael Fassbender’s guilt-sex oeuvre. The evening’s accoutrements: Cockney accents, dancing in track suits, underage drunk sex you will most definitely regret.

The Piano Teacher (2001): Michael Haneke’s most fuckable film, which means almost nothing. But pair this with a generous dollop of spanking, self-hatred and bathroom foreplay. Class it up with Schubert’s late piano sonatas.

Crash (Cronenberg’s 1996 sexcapade, never that other one): James Spader at the height of creepyhot, Holly Hunter at the apex of quirkyhot, both hot for bloody car crashes. Stock up on ’90s satin lingerie and bandaids.

Fear (1996): Takes you all the way back to middle school where a dream date looked like getting fingered on a roller coaster by someone mentally unstable with a six-pack.

To Die For (1995): Nicole Kidman and a young, mulleted Joaquin Phoenix star in Gus Van Sant’s dark dramedy. Prepare to dance in your panties in the rain and seduce troubled teens into killing your husband.

Wild At Heart (1990): Baby-faced Laura Dern in black lace leggings, leather bralets and a badass perm (eat your heart out, American Apparel). Nicolas Cage doing his own “Western Kabuki”-styled Elvis in a snakeskin jacket bragging about his belief in personal freedom. Lovemaking should include: Thunderbird convertibles, Southern accents, and lots of fire, the quintessential element of any David Lynch production.

Last Tango In Paris (1972): Brando, butter, anal, natch.

Gate of Flesh (1964): Rouse your local gang of territorial prostitutes in post-WWII Japan. Break out the technicolor lingerie and the corporeal abuse; forbid falling in love.

Zoë Pollock gave her first handjob during a screening of Rocketman and the irony of that seminal moment is not lost on her. As she is trying to keep her love life afloat while living with her in-laws, she would appreciate some cinematic suggestions in the comments.