Every Palm Reading Experience I’ve Ever Had

by Stephanie Georgopulos

What kind of reading would you like? For past and present, we have half-palm readings, five dollars. For past, present, and a little bit of future, we have whole palm readings, 10 dollars. Comes with free incense stick. We have a quarter-palm reading for three dollars; explains the celestial implications of what you ate for dinner last night. Then there is double-palm reading: 20 dollars and covers career, relationships, power haircuts, travel, infertility, your emotional reaction to season two of The Tudors, ponies, that stupid recurring cake dream you have that no one wants to hear about, money, and why your mother has never supported you the way a mother should. Comes with free cigarette. Finally, we have a palm tattoo, where we give you new life if you don’t like the one God gave you. This takes one hour and requires consultation.

Whole palm, yes? OK. Let me see. Hm. Hmmmmm. HmMmM. hmm hmm. HM. HM. Hm. Hmmmmmmm. HM. HMMMMM. Hm. You have long life ahead of you. And it will be a happy one, but first there is one thing you must do. You must get over the thing that happened eight years ago. You know the thing I refer to. Yes, you do. Think hard. Think harder than that. You are not thinking hard enough. Eight years ago was… 2005. Do you remember now? Do not repress. You are repressing. Hold still, let me see if I can help you. I see a mother. And a father. Also, a friend. And a man. I see a cat. Does it ring a bell? You are remembering now, yes. Very good. Now that you remember, you must forget. Do not dwell on it. All this resentment will harm you in the end. Let go. Just stop thinking about it, OK? Allow yourself to forget.

Happier news now, yes? You are seeing someone… Jason? John? Jon (no H)? Jim? Jorah? Justin? James? Judas? Jeremiah? Jesus? Jesus (hard J)? Jesse? Jordan? Jack? Joshua? Joffrey? Julian? Jacob? Jasper? Jerry? Jacques? Jafar? Jimbo? Jake? Joseph? Jaime? Joel? J… does his name start with a K? LMNOP? Ah. You are lesbian. When you are done being lesbian, you will meet a man with a J-name and you will give him two children. Is hard to believe, I know. But it is written right here, on the palm. If you are unhappy with this news, I can give you palm tattoo consultation. I see more good things for you in this life, though. Continue?

I see money. Maybe there is a new work opportunity. Perhaps an inheritance. Possibly you will find a large sack with a dollar sign emblazoned on the side. It’s no matter. You will come into money soon, very soon. Tomorrow, maybe. Are you waiting to sign a contract? No? No matter. The money will find you. You will have so much money, you won’t know what to do with it all. You will have enough money to come see me whenever you need spiritual guidance, this I promise. And you will need spiritual guidance, because money corrupts the soul. See those faint lines there? Neither do I. They are lines of humility and fullness and they are supposed to be there, but they are missing from your palm. Because you are on the vacant path. Do you feel different? You will. Soon, 20 dollars for a double-palm reading will be nothing to you. You will wonder why you didn’t just give me the 20 dollars right now, so I can tell you how to avoid becoming a hollow vessel with an enormous bank balance. What is 20 dollars, anyway? Twenty dollars is small price to save your soul. You don’t need the money. Is toxic. People stoop so low in pursuit of money. They lie, they cheat, they sell optimism to vulnerable strangers… makes me so sick. You must not become like them. If you come back with 20 dollars, I tell you how to find your way back to the righteous path. No problem. But for now, our time is up.

Don’t forget your incense.

Photo via signalstation/flickr.

Stephanie Georgopulos would pay twenty dollars to save her soul. She tweets here and tumblrs here.