If the Rest of the World Spoke Like Clinton Kelly

by Steph Koyfman

Happy Final Day of Fashion Week! What Not To Wear’s Clinton Kelly prefers the word “pant” to “pants” (really), but he’s just a product of a grammar-bending fashion industry. Let’s experiment.

• “You’ll want to deliver a Warm Thank to your interviewer within 24 hours — email or snail mail works fine.”

• “Liar liar, Cropped Pant on fire.”

• “Many people were in the habit of sporting a Frightful Measle in the early 1800s.”

• “Day six is usually when a Statement-making Delirium Tremen will set in.”

• “Like any fall fashion trend, an Aggressive Rabie is fiercely contagious.”

• “Oops, Gracie spit up all over my Straight-legged Jean this morning.”

• “When did you first notice these symptoms on your Petite Genital?”

• “Coupon-clipping is best performed with a Chunky Scissor.”

• “William is in the midst of what he refers to as a Peep-toe Winter Doldrum.”

• “Go left and up the Color-Blocked Stair.”

• “Call me when you think you’re approaching the Maxi Outskirt of the city.”

• “He was spying on me with a Great Binocular.”

• “Do you usually use an A-Line Tong to serve your salad?”

• “Stop wearing your Geometric Sunglass inside like an asshole.”

Previously: On Romance and Psychosomatic Sneezing

Photo via protoflux/flickr.

Steph Koyfman is just trying to make it. You can find more of her writing here.