A Single Tear for Public Masturbation

A tiny vibrator is required for this experiment because, unless you are Dagny Taggart, lurching around on a moving train is not an aphrodisiac. The smallest vibrator in my possession is an Iroha Sakura vibrator from Babeland. About the size of my palm, I shoved it into my underwear before waddling erotically to the train station, grabbing a gyro from a halal cart on the way.

Drake says on his new album, “I just want some head in a comfortable bed, it can all be so simple.” Apparently, Drizzy, it can’t: On the train, I clandestinely turned the vibrator on, but couldn’t figure out a comfortable way to sit because they don’t have helpful pamphlets on the ergonomics of public masturbation. Also, I was dripping tzatziki sauce on my skirt.

Which is the more distressing news from Cosmopolitan this week? The fact that the woman (ANNA!) sitting next to you on the train this evening might be using a vibrator while you stare at Candy Crush, or the fact that MTV slowed down the infamous clip of Lauren “LC” Conrad’s single tear of mascara? I’m at a loss, personally.