Survival Prognoses for Characters on Orange is the New Black If They Were Instead Characters on…

By The Hairpin August 27, 2013

Survival Prognoses for Characters on Orange is the New Black If They Were Instead Characters on Game of Thrones

by Lindsay Miller

Piper Chapman: Attempts to endear herself to the Queen of Thorns by providing her with artisanal soaps — rose-scented, of course. Cersei observes this gesture and, believing Piper to be allied with the Tyrells and disloyal to the crown, has her accused of treason and executed. Total survival time: 8 days (3 spent in prison awaiting trial).

Alex Vause:

Builds an underground organization distributing milk of the poppy to Westeros’s wealthy and indolent upper classes, recruiting minor bannermen and bored youngest children of lords to help her. Selling to all sides, she’s able to make a comfortable if rootless living — and kiss a few rich men’s wives along the way — until she’s poisoned by her second in command, who takes over the cartel. Total survival time: 2 years.

Taystee Jefferson: After struggling to make an honest living, falls in with a band of outlaws and steals a priceless jewel from a wealthy family in Highgarden. Taystee then leaves Westeros to buy a small home in Myr with her ill-gotten gain, surrounding herself with books and abandoning her life of crime. She dies of old age in her library. Total survival time: 42 years.

Poussey Washington: Initially joins a band of mummers and makes a living off her spectacular voice, making people cry all across Westeros with her amazing rendition of “Amazing Grace” — seriously, if that didn’t simultaneously break your heart and make you want to be a better person, you need to check your pulse because you might be dead. One day a raven arrives for her from parts unknown, and she drops everything in her life to stow away to the Free Cities. She lives out the rest of her life in Taystee’s home, enjoying their platonic bromance, as far as anyone knows. Total survival time: 42 years, 2 days.

Janae Watson: Driven by a passion for justice, and having had all the romantic attention she needs for one lifetime, dresses as a man and joins the Brotherhood Without Banners. She roams the countryside defending the weak and telling children not to throw away college scholarships over some random dude. Struck down in combat with Tywin Lannister’s bannermen. Total survival time: 7 weeks.

Daya Diaz: At the urging of Aleida, who wants to see her grandchild climb the ladder of wealth and power, weds a minor lord in Dorne. When it becomes clear that her husband is having an affair with her mother, Daya abandons her household and joins the Sand Snakes. Dies in childbirth with her third child. Total survival time: 4 years.

Pornstache: Insults a lady’s honor. Has the misfortune of being overheard by Lady Brienne of Tarth, who challenges him to a duel. Loses. Obviously. Total survival time: 23 minutes.

Suzanne Warren: Consistently underestimated due to her enigmatic way of speaking, Sue becomes a fool and travels the country with a mummer’s troupe. When she is invited to perform in King’s Landing, she says too many things that hit too close to home, and Joffrey has her imprisoned, to be executed in the morning. However, when dawn comes she is nowhere to be found. Sue knows things the rest of us don’t, you guys. It’s said that you can still hear her whispering in certain corners of the Red Keep. Total survival time: Forever.

Sophia Burset: With her unflagging loyalty and passionate sense of right and wrong, Sophia wastes no time declaring her allegiance to the Stark cause. She narrowly escapes death at the Red Wedding, and afterward spends her days stalking the North, seeking revenge on all Boltons, Freys, and their allies. Men soon learn to fear the telltale print of her duct tape shower slippers in the cold ground. Eventually, what with all the sleeping outdoors, she gets eaten by a bear. Total survival time: 1 year, 2 months.

Tiffany Doggett: Proclaiming herself a follower of the “one true God,” Doggett initially endears herself to Melisandre and the followers of the Lord of Light. However, when it becomes clear that she’s talking about something different, she is burned at the stake. Total survival time: 12 days.

John Bennett: Falls in love with a prostitute in the riverlands, failing to recognize the extremely inappropriate power imbalance underlying their relationship. Is working up the nerve to propose to her when he is slaughtered by the Mountain in an indiscriminate pillaging of the area. Total survival time: 10 weeks.

Nicky Nichols: Seduces, then becomes the consort of, Cersei Lannister. Renowned more for her cunnilingus skills than her common sense, Nicky’s easy life in King’s Landing comes to an abrupt end when she tells Cersei that she’s “just really tired tonight.” Total survival time: 8 days.

Miss Claudette: Having given up hope of worldly pleasures, takes the black and lives out her life on the Wall. When White Walkers attack, she takes like three of the fuckers with her as she goes. Total survival time: 2 months.

Red: Immediately begins to work her way up through the ranks of the powerful in King’s Landing, using deviousness, long-term planning, and impressive cooking skills to install herself in the kitchen of the Red Keep. One day, however, she hears rumors of dragons in the East, and she abandons her comfortable life to board a ship to Braavos, hoping for nothing more than to eat the dragon that is smarter than other dragons and absorb its power. She is never heard from again. Total survival time: unknown.

Big Boo: Opens a brothel in King’s Landing and surrounds herself with beautiful women. Garroted in her sleep by Littlefinger for cutting into his profits. Total survival time: 3 months.

Little Boo: Having finally mastered the command “kill,” joins Nymeria’s pack of wolves and wild dogs wreaking havoc on the countryside. She is eventually killed by an irate farmer’s arrow, but her death is avenged when her killer is ripped apart by her pack. Total survival time: 9 months.

Lorna Morello: Settles in a small fishing village. When her home is raided by Ironborn, Morello, continuing to base her worldview primarily on West Side Story, tries to achieve peace by falling in love with one of the sailors, then singing about it. This goes about as well as you would expect. Total survival time: 5 weeks.

Tricia Miller: Sweet baby-dyke angel Tricia,who is too good for the world, attempts to uncover the dark secrets at the heart of Westerosi society. When she risks revealing one of thirty-nine currently operating webs of conspiracy, she is assassinated by Littlefinger’s minions. Total survival time: 3 days.