A to Z: Cocktails That Live Up to their Names

by Molly Pohlig

Artisanal Finn: Peppermint liqueur served with a garnish of dried reindeer meat. Cup wears tiny Scandinavian sweater.

Birthday Suit: Pale pink jello shot with a miniature Kewpie Doll inside.

Crack of Dawn: Scrambled egg-infused whiskey mixed with Alka-Seltzer Cold and a triple shot of espresso.

Dark Lady: Vişinată, a Romanian sour cherry beverage that sounds like what the fortune teller in the cartoon video for the Cher song would drink. Serve in a mismatched, cracked, floral cup and saucer. Extra points if the saucer bears a mysterious stain.

Evil Queen: Absinthe with a rotten apple in the bottom, served in a mirrored glass.

A Fine Romance: The entire contents of a Valentine’s Day Whitman’s Sampler heart-shaped box, including the papers, dissolved into a bottle of pink champagne. If you don’t finish the whole thing by 12:01, you will never find true love.

Glasgow Smile: Scotch with grenadine syrup drizzled over the top in the shape of a mouth. Comes with a complimentary miniature switchblade.

Hoover Dam: Whiskey and soda, sprayed into your mouth from a seltzer bottle by the bartender.

Icelandic Childhood: Vodka popsicle with a frozen sardine inside.

James VI: Scotch on the rocks sprinkled with gunpowder and set alight.

Kremlin Kiss: Shot of Stoli rimmed with Revlon ‘Really Red’ lipstick.

Love of a Good Man: Warm beer drizzled with diluted dishwashing detergent. Comes with complimentary remote control.

Mink Stole: Gin with dissolved appetite suppressant, garnished with a baby tooth.

November Rain: Large tumbler of vodka and rosewater, traditionally served at the same time as a punch to the jaw.

The Obituary: Jägermeister and sambuca with a dash of India ink. poured ever-so-slowly into a brandy snifter while the bartender plays a short dirge on a three-stringed violin.

Pandora’s Box: Mixture of seventeen different whiskeys served in a pint-sized mason jar at room temperature. Hope is represented by a glass of rosé that you are not allowed to have, placed delicately at the other end of the bar.

Quentin’s Crisp: Pink champagne and apricot nectar with a Belgian waffle balanced on the top of the glass, anchored with obligatory paper umbrella.

Rude Boy: Large rum and coke served with a black-and-white cookie for dipping.

The Sidler: Dry vermouth and cooking sherry sprinkled with dandruff and warmed in a turtleneck-shaped mug cozy. A handful of coins is tossed in the bottom, which makes it harder for the drink to sneak up on you. Served in a heart-shaped glass.

Turkish Delight: Any drink that you read about as a child that sounded absolutely wonderful but then by the time you grew up and tracked it down you realized it was actually pretty gross.

The Undertaker: Goldschlager with just a touch of embalming fluid, lit on fire and taken as a shot.

Virginia Gentleman: A parfait of sorts, with alternating layers of ham and dried tobacco leaves. Pour moonshine from the Blue Ridge Mountains over top and sprinkle with crushed peanuts.

Wandering Jew: Manischewitz with swizzle stick made from shoelaces belonging to a fifteen-year-old boy who walks two miles to and from Hebrew school every day.

X-Ray Visit: Distillation of mint mouthwash, drunk while clenching a dental X-ray film between your teeth. Insurance takes care of most of it, but you will be surprised by a co-pay bill in the mail two months later.

Yo Mama: Creme de menthe in a chilly aluminum glass on a lace doily, served with a smack upside the head and two oatmeal raisin cookies.

Zany Aunt: You order a coke because you don’t have your I.D. with you. The bartender sneaks you a martini and five dollars later, telling you it’s the only time he’s going to do this.

Molly Pohlig lives in Brooklyn and works in publishing. She does not own a hedgehog, but is hoping this situation will be rectified soon. She can also be found at Irish lady website www.fanny.ie.