Thoughts Upon Receiving a Ludicrously Enormous Tip

by Catherine Nicholas

– Wait, is this a thing where, like, now they’re going to go on a crime spree and commit suicide by cop and this was their last meal (no joke, this was my first thought).

– Stolen credit card. I mean, people steal credit cards and they have to use them somewhere. Like that time someone stole my credit card and immediately spent $600 at Porn Palace, and my mom had to call and ask me if I had done it, and should she just let it slide, and then I wept in Thailand on the phone with a skeptical Wachovia associate who kept asking me what had happened to my card. Dude, I don’t know. Someone stole it. It got stolen, is what happened to it. Can you not just write “stolen”? Jesus Christ, he’s probably at Porn Citadel right now, can we not hurry on this a little tiny bit?

– Maybe he has a thing? With numbers? And he liked how those numbers kind of … make sense together? You never do know what goes on in the minds of others, after all.

– Haha, oh wait I’m terrible at math. That’s just 20%.

– I’m an idiot.

– God, I am literally so dumb. How did I graduate elementary school. How have I lived on the earth this long.

– No, WAIT, no it’s not, it’s WAY MORE. What is going ON here?

– Oh my god oh no. I misread it and oh no I already sent it to the credit card company. I already sent it!

– No, okay that was right. Well. Whatever. Okay! What! Yay! Haha wow, okay.

– Maybe I’m a really amazing waitress. I mean I know I’m not, but maybe I am.

– This is the EXACT amount my Ke$ha ticket cost. Oh my god. EXACT. The universe wants me to see Ke$ha so badly, I knew it. It knew I felt queasy about spending that much money, I mean the service fees alone, good god, and it’s being like, “Girl, relax. You are supposed to see Ke$ha in August. It is right and fitting. Go forth and vomit up gallons of glitter, my child.”

– [Hours later] I still feel uneasy about this. I don’t … I don’t know. I just feel uneasy.

Thoughts Upon Receiving a Zero Point Zero Dollar Tip Later That Very Same Night

– Oh fuck you.

Catherine Nicholas is descended from the inventor of dried yeast.