Recreational Flirting and Other People’s LDRs

by Lindsay Miller

As a semi-closeted queer girl (as in, I’ll tell people if they ask but don’t go around covered in rainbows or anything, and it seems like “short hair, blazers, and DMs” reads as “fashiony” rather than “gaymo” at the moment), most of my friends who I don’t meet through gay stuff start off assuming I’m straight. This is not a big deal; they tend to pick up after a while, but it does lead to some awkward situations. It’s common among female friends my age to flirt, call each other sexy, cuddle and grope each other, make elaborate declarations of love or proposals of marriage, joke about having crushes on each other and female celebrities, and generally fool around. (Note: they exclusively date & have sex with guys, this is not a case of youthful exploration, this is a hilarious game.)

It’s just a bit of fun most of the time, but it seems to me to carry a subtext of “this is funny because it’s ludicrous that we would be attracted to one another,” and as such it makes me really uncomfortable when this flirting is directed at me by a girl who’s under the impression that we’re both straight. I know that a lot of people flirt platonically and recreationally, but sadly I am not one of them. I am really crap at flirting. I just go red and get awkward at the best of times. I wouldn’t want them to think that I’ve been perving on them, or getting any undercover kicks from something that they believed was completely platonic. It would be like accidentally invading a safe space. Do you know any good ways to react to this kind of thing?

I think, more than anything else, you need to chill out about this situation. Some people are just flirtatious — they flirt with potential partners, but they also flirt with friends, coworkers, baristas, and anyone who happens to cross their path. They flirt because they like attention, or as a way of procuring favors, or just because it’s fun. And they flirt because it’s often hard to tell where to draw the line between friendly, casual, humorous interaction and Prelude to Sexy Times. As someone who is at least an intermediate flirt — an inveterate user of pet names and innuendo, a physical-affection addict — I feel reasonably comfortable speaking for all of us: We flirt with everyone, gay or straight, lady or dude, hot or (well actually all of my friends are hot so I guess I seldom have occasion to flirt with non-hot people). This is not something your friends only do in their No Homos Allowed clubhouse. They would, with almost 100% certainty, behave exactly the same way if they were aware of your queerness. There’s nothing intrusive or creepy about you allowing it or participating in it.

That said, a couple of caveats. One, flirting and sexual propositions that you’re uncomfortable with — even if they’re intended in jest — are not the kind of behavior you should have to put up with from your friends. If the reason you don’t like your friends rubbing up on you is simply that you don’t like it, regardless of whether they know you’re gay, you can and should ask them to knock it off. A simple “Hey, I don’t really like being touched like that by someone I’m not dating. Could you please stop?” should be sufficient. If it’s not, your boundaries are being disrespected and you should think about finding better friends.

Two, if you’re spending a fair amount of time or have reached a moderate level of intimacy with a friend or group of friends, and they don’t know that you’re gay, it’s not unthinkable that they might have a little bit of weirdness when they figure it out — not because they feel perved on, but because they’re bummed that you weren’t comfortable saying something sooner. Everyone likes to feel special and trusted and be the first to know things. I’m not saying this to pressure you into coming out to new people before you’re ready; I just want you to be aware that, if things are a little stiff for a day or two, it’s probably for this reason, and not because they want to retroactively rescind their flirtation.

Hi Lindsay! I have a nebulous, weird question, but I want to talk to someone about it, and who better than internet strangers! I’m a straight, cis lady who, for a large part of the last six years, was madly in love with a man. We met in college, we almost got together, he ended up falling in love with my gorgeous best friend and dating her, all while remaining best friends with me, telling me about their relationship, tearing me up inside — the usual thing I would do to myself, being insecure and not conventionally attractive. We kept in touch after we graduated, and I always thought if we lived in the same place we’d get together. Cut to now, a few years out of college, he moved to the city near my grad school, and when I worked there this summer we hung out all the time, and he was very flirty with me, and all my friends were constantly saying it was only a matter of time before we got together. I was elated. I fell right back into what we had in college, and I was absolutely smitten.

This weekend, I was visiting him in the city. We went out to dinner, he was buying me drinks and flirting and all these good things, I had (jesus christ embarrassingly) put on cute underwear in the hope that we would hook up. We got to the last bar of the night, and he told me his friend would be joining us. I thought, great! new people! all fun! When his friend got there and texted to ask where in the bar we were, he looked at me and said, “Actually, he’s my boyfriend.” Dream boy, who I had fantasized a whole wonderful life with, is gay. Which is great! The boyfriend seems awesome, the boy seems elated, and I’m so happy and proud that he finally felt comfortable coming out to me. I’m also devastated. I feel like such a selfish jerk, and I’m not at all upset he’s gay, I’m just sad that this possibility that I had really thought would happen for YEARS is now off the table so definitively. I guess my question is — am I the worst? Is it unreasonable to be sad about this? WILL I EVER FIND LOVE? (Just kidding about that last one. Sort of.)

Oh sweetheart, you are not the worst! It’s brutal to carry that kind of hope around for such a long time only to find out that not only is it not happening, it was never even really an option. You didn’t just want to hook up with this guy — you genuinely believed you were about to. Finding out he’s off the market effectively takes a sledgehammer to all your most cherished fantasies. Realizing he’ll never be on the market — at least not for you — is so much salt in the wound. (It’s not a mixed metaphor! Sledgehammers can cause wounds.) That doesn’t make you selfish or homophobic or unreasonable; it makes you human.

So take the time you need to be sad about this. If you have a friend or two you can confide in, so much the better, but don’t unburden yourself to your crush, as that will only make things super-awkward. Have a few wine-and-Netflix nights, cry over some pictures of you two together, sing embarrasingly heartfelt songs at karaoke, and then, when you feel ready, put those cute underwear on again and get back out there. Yes, you will find love! Does your crush’s boyfriend have a hot, straight brother? I bet he does. You should ask.

So I have a queer chick question. I recently moved to a new city, and about a month into living here, I met this really awesome girl. We really hit it off and we’re hanging out quite often, I totally dig her. However, she has a long-distance girlfriend (like way long distance) AND she’s going to be moving away from my city this summer. I don’t ask about her girlfriend a lot because awkward, but I don’t think they’re super monogamous. Meaning, I know my new friend has had at least one drunken hookup recently.

I think she’s in this long-distance relationship not because she’s completely in-love but because this was her first girlfriend and I think it’s easy for her to stay in the relationship since the girlfriend is far away. That being said, I’m not trying to cause any problems or get in the way of anything. But, I really, really like her and I want to do something about it, but I also don’t want to lose her as a friend. Nothing has happened between us, and it’s all very PG so I can’t even tell if she’s open to anything.

So, my question: Is it worth saying something to her knowing that she has a girlfriend and knowing that she’s going to be moving away relatively soon? She’s my only really close friend here so far, which is another reason why I’m hesitant.

Let me know if you have any advice!

Boy, do I ever! Let’s start with the big one: If you have a crush on someone who’s taken, do not attempt to diagnose her relationship problems. Just don’t do it. Your head is full of wishful thinking and sex-chemicals and you are not at all capable of an objective evaluation of the state of affairs. You’ve never had a heart-to-heart with your friend about her girlfriend — you don’t even know for sure whether they’re monogamous — so take a step back and realize that when you say “I don’t think she’s completely in love,” what you mean is “I don’t want her to be completely in love because that would get in the way of me seeing her naked.” You’re making up stories about her relationship to make yourself feel justified in (eventually, maybe) trying to break them up. Cut that out. If you’re going to try to break them up, be honest with yourself about it.

Also, as a follow-up, don’t try to break them up. It won’t work, and you’ll look like a jerk for trying. Just be as awesome as you can in your friend’s general direction, and hope that she realizes you’re the one for her. Don’t try to sleep with her until and unless a) she’s single, or b) she discloses to you that her relationship is non-monogamous AND you feel confident that hooking up with someone who has a girlfriend will not wreck you emotionally. (And don’t kid yourself that you know she’s non-monogamous because she boned some girl. People cheat. Don’t fuck cheaters, it’s bad for your karma.)

In the, let’s be honest, somewhat unlikely event that things go your way and you end up with a clear shot at naked times with this girl, take the time to ask yourself what you want before you proceed. Do you just want to get laid? If so, discuss what that would mean for your friendship first, but basically go for it, what the hell. But, do you want her to be your girlfriend? In what will soon become a long-distance relationship? Knowing, as you do, that in her previous long-distance relationship she drunkenly hooked up with someone else (with or without her girlfriend’s approval)?

If the answer, after thinking seriously about all the complications, is still “yes,” then you are well and truly smitten and I give you leave to make a move. Just one time, tell your friend that you’re crazy about her and if she were ever single you would love to make out. Then never mention it again unless she brings it up first. If she leaves her girlfriend for you, she likes you. If not, you’re awesome and you’ll be fine anyway.

I have been dating someone for nearly six months, and our relationship should be over. She has lied to me several times about having or getting a job, lied to me about having a place to live, lied to me about paying rent/bills, lied to me about obviously real serious Life Shit that I can’t really handle anymore. In addition to this, she is manipulative, possessive, jealous, and controlling. I feel isolated from my friends after months of being guilted into spending time with her and only her because “that’s what people in love do,” I feel mentally exhausted from having to explain every day how a person should be treated or how to listen to what I say. This is also my first queer relationship, and it’s starting to feel very damaging to me that the person I love constantly belittles my sexuality by calling me “actually straight” or accusing me every day of cheating on her with cis dudes.

The problem is that I moved in with her, hoping it would solve the problems we had before we had our own space, but things have escalated. I learned that she throws and destroys my things when we argue, and I’ve turned into someone who screams (I have never screamed like this before in my life). I have a career that pays enough for me to live on, but I cannot continue to support her, which I have done since basically the beginning of our relationship (I’m talking food, housing, clothes: everything). I loved her, so I did it, but at this point I feel very taken advantage of (not to mention broke) and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. In the past I was desperate to fix things, empathized with her depression, and have expressed this, but things are beyond fixing at this point because she refuses to make any moves to change. I’ve told her many times that I’m not happy, I don’t think we’re good for each other, that we hurt each other and should not be together, but she refuses to accept it.

Yet… another problem is that because of our relationship and her depression, she has also so far isolated herself from her friends that even if I did kick her out (also: how? do you kick someone out who refuses to leave?) she wouldn’t even have a place to go. I feel desperate to get out of this situation but have no idea how, or how to stop worrying and feeling responsible for her well-being.

This is a really heartbreaking letter, but it is also a pretty impressive object lesson in one of the Major Relationship Rule: Moving in with someone will NOT fix your relationship issues. What it will do, instead, is make it impossible to get away from them. Cohabitation introduces new sources of stress and conflict into your life, and the fact that now you can fuck on the sofa without worrying about when your roommate will be home will not be novel enough to keep you from fighting for very long. If your relationship is already on the rocks, moving in together will only magnify your problems — as, sadly, you have already figured out.

I’m so sorry that you had to learn this lesson in such an awful way, but now that you’re in this mess, there’s nothing to do but try to extricate yourself — and as soon as possible, please. What you’re experiencing — throwing things, destroying your property, accusing you of cheating — is abusive. Your girlfriend sounds like someone who has a lot of difficulties, and I’m sorry for that too, but her depression does not excuse her shitty behavior. All you can do is hope that losing you will be the wake-up call that helps her deal with her issues.

So how do you get her out of your house? There are two ways you can handle this. One, you can evict her (or ask the landlord to evict her, if you rent), and if she doesn’t leave at the appointed time, you can call the cops. Or two, you can move out yourself, which, while more expensive in the short term, does at least mean that you won’t have to expend all your energy trying to convince her to leave. Once you’re gone and your name is off the lease, whether she finds a new place or steps up and starts paying rent on the old one is up to her.

I fully recognize that both of these options are stressful and uncomfortable, and that no matter what you do, things are probably going to be miserable for a little while. I wish I had a secret, easy, painless third option to offer you. All I can tell you is that, down the road, you’ll be so happy and proud of yourself for doing what you had to do to escape a toxic situation. If you can, try to do the bulk of your moving when she’s not at home. Call your friends; they’ll probably be so happy that you’re leaving her that, no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke, they’ll show up at your door fifteen minutes later ready to help you move.

Finally, let yourself be worried about her if you want. It’s only natural; you care about her, and your breakup will make life more difficult for her in the short term as well. But don’t let your feelings of concern and sadness be manipulated to keep you in a relationship that’s making you miserable. Remember that the only way she’s ever going to change her ways — and the only way she’s ever going to be happy — is if she learns that there are real, tangible consequences for her actions. Leaving is, without a doubt, the best thing for you. Keep reminding yourself that, no matter how vehemently she disagrees, it’s the best thing for her as well.

Previously: The Rhinestone-Encrusted Manicure

Lindsay King-Miller is also on Twitter. Do you have a question for her?

Photo by Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock