Eleven Nearly Forgotten Childhood Films

by Matt Crowley

I watched a lot of bargain-bin, poorly dubbed, limited releases as a kid (hey, blame my parents). Now, years later, the details are foggy and only wisps of memory remain. Here are the synopses — as far as I recall — for 11 of these films. They’re not exactly the type of thing you can Google, so any thoughts on what these movies might be would be hugely appreciated. My seven-year-old self thanks you.

1. A killer puts spikes in binoculars: When victims look through them, the spikes stab them in the eyeballs.

2. Two mice head toward Switzerland, looking for the dream job of biting the holes in Swiss cheese.

3. A pink dog and a blue dog look on as some kids sing about making breakfast for their parents.

4. Christopher Columbus befriends a termite who teaches him that the earth is round, not square.

5. After the parents go to hypnotherapy to quit smoking, the kids learn how to hypnotize them and make them do all their chores.

6. A painter defeats an evil king by making him see the good in the world, causing the thorns all over the king’s body to bloom into flowers.

7. A family travels back to dinosaur times and befriends a squeaky-voiced creature with a pompom body and an elephant trunk.

8. A pelican longs for purple pelican pellets, resulting in a psychedelic musical dream sequence in which pelican pellets dance around the screen.

9. Dracula’s musings on Halloween’s decline are interrupted by a witch flying in on a floodlight, tricking him into thinking it’s morning.

10. A kingdom of evil ducks (who look like Howard the Duck but aren’t Howard the Duck) travel through a portal into our world and wreak havoc.

11. Claymation figures search for a magical elixir that ends up being in their complimentary tote bag all along.

Previously: 13 Questionable Amateur Theater Plot Twists

Matt Crowley is a comic and writer living in Brooklyn. He could probably recite every line of dialogue from “A Simple Wish.” You can follow him on Twitter here.