Ways You Can’t Mess Up That “The Best Scones” Recipe Despite Trying

You remember. This one.

1. Doubling the chocolate, ditching the fruit. Did you know it’s almost impossible to buy unsweetened dried cranberries? Why, you’re a fool if you don’t just double the chocolate instead! Flavonoids. Antioxidants.

2. Failing to clean the top of your stand mixer properly since the last time you used it, causing chunks of old dough to fall into your heavy whipping cream.

3. Wandering off while your stand mixer froths the heavy whipping cream, returning to find it is a solid.

4. I don’t know, though, it does make folding it into the dry ingredients a very literal process.

5. Trying to fix it by adding un-frothed half and half on its expiration date to the mixture.

6. Mushing together clumps of the scone mixture with your gummy hands and drizzling more half and half over the remaining powdery dry stuff at the bottom to get one more scone.

7. Putting it on an unmanned mission to Mars. Substituting yogurt for the baking powder. Substituting a pen-and-ink drawing of a cat for the 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Shaping each scone into the likeness of Ron Swanson. Greasing the baking sheet with a jar of hair pomade from the early 1960s. Using a nail file to separate the ball of dough into smaller sections. Instead of a 375 degree oven, using the gentle warmth of the setting sun. Instead of a 375 degree oven, a DVD of Paris Is Burning. Instead of a 375 degree oven, placing the baking sheet inside an ignited Wicker Man while Christopher Lee dances around it.

Ways You Can Mess Up That “The Best Scones” Recipe:

1. Splenda.

2. Milk.

3. Carob.