The 23 Fold Path to Successfully Watching Kevin Ware Break His Leg
If you are in the slightest doubt, do not click any of the links.
1. Hear that there is a new, horrific video of a college athlete experiencing a compound fracture.
2. Drop everything you are doing, run to your computer.
3. Google Chrome crashes. Reboot your computer.
4. Find the Slate piece. Read the words “gruesome open fracture” and “six inches out of his leg.”
5. Pause. You’re great with blood, but compound fractures? Maybe you actually don’t want to see it.
6. Idly select Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time” on iTunes.
7. Read Slate’s disclaimer: “As should be clear by now, it’s difficult to watch, and isn’t recommended for those with weak stomachs. Click at your own risk; it’s difficult to un-see.” That seems strongly-worded! Isn’t that unusually strongly-worded?
8. I mean, you’ve watched grainy videos of beheadings, how bad can it be? God, what is wrong with you? Why do you even want to see this? Is he even okay?
9. Yeah, here’s a picture of him up and walking around. He’s okay. It’s not like it’s a snuff film, you know?
10. Maybe you should back into it by watching some less grisly injuries. Hey, do you think the video of Moises Alou busting his leg is on YouTube? Yep. Oh, man, that brings me back. Go Expos! Chien chaud! ‘ot dog!
11. Then there was Dave Dravecky breaking his arm while throwing a pitch. He was playing the Expos at the time. I bet that’s on YouTube.
12. It’s part of a 1:54 montage of pitchers breaking their arms while throwing. They scream a lot! See, you’re doing fine with this. You haven’t become soft in your old age.
13. Hey, there have been some hockey players who had their throats cut on the ice, right?
14. Clint Malarchuk! Oh, my God, let’s watch it.
15. THAT IS AMAZING. He is…he is holding his throat while blood spurts out in conjunction with his heartbeat. It’s like that 30 Rock where Tracy played Oprah after gastric bypass surgery, except…blood. So much blood! Blood is fine. Blood doesn’t bother you! What’s that in the sidebar? Richard Zednik! Let’s watch it. Eh. That wasn’t so great.
16. Okay, you’re ready for Kevin Ware. You’ve got this. Open the window. Decide it’s time for bed. Hastily close laptop.
17. After breakfast, open the window again. You’re not the sort of person who avoids grisly sports videos. You love this stuff!
18. Opt for your Paranormal Activity strategy: avert your eyes very slightly. Everyone knows that if you only see 40% of a poltergeist or an open fracture, it’s not as bad.
19. Grit your teeth. Quit being a pussy. You are a mother.
20. Oh, God, you’re watching it. Did you miss it? Before you see the leg, you see a fellow teammate nearly throw up. He’s probably a lot tougher than you are. Two other teammates suddenly sit on the court. Shit. Wait, is this going to be really bad? It’s not too late to bail out.
21. Someone is helping one of the other players to stand up. Okay, there’s the replay.
22. JESUS CHRIST JESUS FUCKING CHRIST OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY.
23. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Get well, Kevin Ware.