New Old Wives’ Tales

by Eleanor Nelson

The best cure for warts is true love’s first kiss.

If you watch the entirety of How I Met Your Mother, back-to-back and without breaks, you will go blind.

Those little flies that sometimes buzz annoyingly around your face are the physical embodiments of unpleasant things people are saying about you at that moment.

If you’re a little chilly, drink a six-pack of cheap beer.

Kale is the devil’s eyebrows.

Leave an egg in a paper bag on a roof for three days and three nights. When you crack it open, the inside will be chocolate.

If you watch the entirety of The X-Files, back-to-back and without breaks, you will suddenly become good at fighting.

Kissing another person on the eyelids, hairline, or shoulder blades can get either (or both) of you pregnant.

Safety pins can be used for literally any purpose.

The best way to induce a period is to sleep naked while housesitting.

To keep cosmetics fresh, leave them constantly submerged in cold water.

If you furrow your brow too much, your head will eventually turn inside out.

Would-be muggers can be fended off by reading to them quietly from Eat, Pray, Love.

Strawberries and raspberries are the same thing.

Vampires only existed during the roaring twenties. That’s why they were called the roaring twenties. Also, vampires roar.

Eleanor Nelson has a thirst for power, and two dachshunds.