Morgan Fairchild Facts

by Sarah Marshall

1. When she was six months old, Morgan Fairchild was the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed both her parents and left her stranded in Greenland, where she was nursed back to health by a family of Arctic foxes. When Morgan departed for Hollywood, the foxes sacrificed their lives to provide her with a fur coat.

2. Morgan Fairchild has accurately predicted eighteen out of nineteen presidential elections. (In 1948, she guessed that Truman would lose to Dewey.)

3. Morgan Fairchild invented the internal combustion engine, the avocado slicer, and stirrup pants.

4. Nicollette Sheridan was born when Morgan Fairchild dropped her sports bra on the floor after a particularly hard aerobics workout. Nicollette emerged from the resulting pool of sweat, along with a pile of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

5. Morgan Fairchild inspired both W.A.S.P.’s “L.O.V.E. Machine” and Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.”

6. Morgan Fairchild helped to ghostwrite the memoirs of Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

7. Morgan Fairchild discovered Quebec.

8. The US Mint will begin releasing a series of Morgan Fairchild commemorative dollar coins in 2018, depicting her characters from “Flamingo Road,” “Paper Dolls,” and “Falcon Crest.”

9. Morgan Fairchild taught Lana Del Rey how to use an Etch A Sketch.

10. In 1982, Morgan Fairchild was slated to star in a primetime soap inspired by the life of Marie Antoinette, with John Larroquette as Louis XVI, James Remar as Axel von Fersen, and Victoria Principal as the Duchesse de Polignac. Sadly, the project was delayed indefinitely when Morgan Fairchild left the country to fight in the Falklands War.

11. Morgan Fairchild originated the role of Billy Flynn on Broadway.

12. Morgan Fairchild was a cleanup hitter for the Arizona Diamondbacks during their first two seasons.

13. If you go into the bathroom, turn of the lights, and say “Morgan Fairchild” five times into the mirror, Brenda Dickson will appear behind you, because Morgan Fairchild was busy.

14. Morgan Fairchild knows what caused the Tunguska Event, the Wow! signal, and the disappearance of the crew of the Mary Celeste.

15. When Kate Middleton got cold feet on her wedding day, she called Morgan Fairchild to fill in for her.

16. Morgan Fairchild owes her glowing complexion and lustrous hair to a diet of muktuk, fire ants, and flash-frozen celeriac.

17. April 25th is Morgan Fairchild day in Wisconsin, Missouri, and Texico, New Mexico.

18. Morgan Fairchild once had a threesome with Harry Hamlin and Tricia Nixon Cox.

19. Morgan Fairchild has already picked out a birthday present for you.

Previously: Making Little Cakes With Martha Washington

Sarah Marshall is a graduate student living in Portland, Oregon.