“I’m Not A Human, I’m A Sim”

by Bobby Finger

In case you’re not aware, The Sims 3 is the most recent entry in the immensely popular video game series that allows users to create and control virtual people. For the casual gamer, the concept is intriguing enough to act as an enjoyable waste of time, but for teens (and, who am I kidding, grown-ass men and women) who are simultaneously attempting to define their own lives, it’s an opportunity to build the perfect version of yourself. The perfect versions of your friends. The perfect versions of…your lovers.

“We are so lucky to have been raise amongst catalogs,” said Meg (Parker Posey) in Best In Show of her childhood memorizing and ordering exclusively from the J. Crew catalog. Similarly (or not?), I consider myself lucky not to have been raised amongst Instagram, as I certainly would have created something similar to the accounts of Sims 3 fans. It recently came to my attention that there is an underworld of young, brilliant Instagram users who are using the platform as a way of expanding and publicizing the narratives of their Sims’ lives. (Think fan fiction but in three dimensions.) One of the more prominent members of this community is the beautiful genius behind Live2Sims3.

Live2Sims3 is not a human, Live2Sims3 is a Sim, and oh my god the Sim is so super excited to have finally gotten the Sims 3 University expansion pack and ahhhhhhhhhh the Sim’s name is Ansley and Ansley is the chillest girl ever like oh my god you wish you had a friend like her in college but ugh she has so many problems but they’re like real and believable and you GUYS you totally have to learn all about her!

Hey! I’m Ansley. I live with my grandma, and my older brother just moved out. I’m a city girl, born and raised in Bridgeport… Then my mum died… And we moved to Sunset Valley, where I met my boyfriend, Andrew. I was a fun, bright and cheery, until my dad took drugs and we had to move out of our house and into an apartment. Now I decided to turn on my sunshine. That’s me. I’m Ansley.

That’s her. She’s Ansley. And here’s Ansley’s grandma:

Afternoon! I’m Mrs. Braden, Ansley’s grandmother. I really don’t have much to say, except my son took drugs, his wife died, now I’m taking care of girl who has changed… She told me she’s going goth… Oh geez…

Oh geez, indeed, Mrs. Braden! I hope your granddaughter doesn’t get into too much trouble. Wait. Oh no. I think…yeah. She’s losing it:

Ansley here! Do I look different? My hair maybe..? Ya! I died my hair 🙂 So did Andrew! Life’s great. My best friend and I decided to throw a party! It was wild… People were streaking, kissing, taking photos, and everyone was juiced. I met this one guy there and he was pretty cute… What should I do about Andrew? I’ll go and talk to Nina, my best friend, and see what she thinks… Bye for now!

Streaking? Kissing? Blue hair? Photos? Ansley, please don’t spiral out of control and end up as the lead story on next week’s Dateline. Ansley. Ansley? Ansley! Listen to me!!

I ran upstairs and pulled my bed down just a little and I crawled under it and cried. My brother just texted me. After university I might as well just get married so that I can live with someone, since… My grandmother died. I still have my dad but I’m scared of getting hurt. Kyle tried to come up so calm me down… Nothing helped. I’ll talk to you later. Goodnight.

I hope she’s OK. I hope that bed doesn’t collapse on her. I hope she dyes her roots. I hope her grandmother’s ghost doesn’t haunt her. Whoops! I don’t care about Ansley anymore because now I’m obsessed with Instagram user ssimatsterr, who has created what I presume to be the perfect man:

John Wake can be described in many ways. Some call him a douchebag like his friend Carter, others say he’s a no-good man. But whatever, those opinions don’t matter to him. He likes going on trips, messing with girls, getting into trouble, and working out. He has a weird sense of humor, more like sarcasm. He hates drama and usually isolates himself from the world and it’s people. Oh and don’t mess with him, he’s a fighter.

He hates drama? Do all of you have the vapors right now? Because I certainly have the vapors right now. OK, now it’s time to move on to another Instagram account. How about Sims3Anubis? What’s going on over there?

I went outside it was to crowded in there i should be in there because it my birthday party but none of my friends can they most hate me but my sister friends came they are really nice anyways i walking when one of my sister friends bumped into me and i fell he asked if i was okay but than he sat down and and told me to lay on him — Lilian

Aw, everyone! Lilian found a handsome, mysterious man to lean on when she was treading water in the deep end! Is anyone else suddenly having flashbacks to their high school dreams? No? Just me? Fine. Explore the #Sims3 tag on Instagram alone. I’m off to go create a version of myself with a better nose.

Bobby Finger is here for the next week or so. He played The Sims as recently as last month.