Ask a Clueless Lady

by A Lady

1. I’d really appreciate some advice. I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half now and everything is great, wonderful. Except that I don’t feel very important to him. I’ve mentioned this to him and he said that he would try to improve. And yet, there is no change. He is still not making plans with me, not bringing me round to his parents, or inviting me on nights out with his friends.

Now, we’ve talked about a future together briefly and us moving in together. He paid for me to go on holiday with him. And yet, he can’t do simple things like make an effort in the small everyday ways like texting me back within a reasonable amount of time, involving me in his life by inviting me to events, and making plans to come over to my place (instead of me going to his) during the week. I feel so fed up at feeling fed up.

After arranging a casual dinner with me, he found out his parents were going away for the week and said that he was going round to see them. Not “instead” that he was going round to see them. He didn’t even recognize that we’d already made plans or (as he promised he would do more so) invite me to go with him. I got very upset, told him why I was upset, and told him that he needed to buck up and left. Since then, he’s only responded by text, no phone call, no visit and has said by text that he can’t do any better than he is doing. I just feel like if I let him away with this one, he’s going to keep on behaving this way. And I’m going to keep on feeling this way. Am I being crazy for letting a wonderful guy walk out of my life because he’s a little thoughtless and because of how this makes me feel?

Snap out of it, girl! What is it that makes this guy “wonderful”? He sounds like an insecure loser. He’s disrespecting you, and you keep letting him. Stop wasting your time! Ugh, I hate this guy. You probably wouldn’t even still like him if he weren’t pulling this shit.

2. Hi, do you have any tips for sex from behind? I’m not sure if I just have an oddly angled vaginal canal or we are doing something wrong, but my boyfriend of four years and I have never been able to do it “doggy-style.” Prior experience, I have only slept with one other person, and he was very experienced, and he attempted it, but nothing happened. I don’t know if that was because I wasn’t really sure what to do, but he gave up. If this helps, I have been successfully able to do reverse cowgirl (attempted on the advice of friends). My boyfriend is also about a foot taller than me, but we don’t have any problems in missionary style or regular cowgirl. Don’t know if this matters, but we are both 24 years old. Any advice you could give or resources you recommend, would be great!

Hmm, this seems like either a lubrication issue or a height issue. Or both. Because most things can go in most places with enough lube, usually. But without it, everything can seem oddly impossible, or like everything’s just designed wrong. I feel you! So, yeah, lube. Or, you know, spit. Or if you’re getting in a position where his height makes things tricky and things don’t align, maybe you can rearrange so he’s lower and you’re higher. (He could spread his knees, or you could get on some pillows.) Or you could try starting in another position — scissoring, reverse cowgirl — and move [slowly] into doggy style. The answers here could also possibly be helpful. And there are always the immortal words of 2 Live Crew… [NSFW] … which is to say, arch your back.

3. So on Sunday I was riding my bicycle home after having a few beers and frolicking and generally enjoying the day, when I hit a curb and broke my fall with, well, my face. I spent the night in the emergency room (no, I do not have insurance; yes, I am screwed) and after a couple of brain scans they determined that all of the damage is cosmetic, thankfully. However, I currently look like this: (see attached photo). I know it could be WAY worse, but aside from styling my hair and putting on normal clothes, what can I do during this long road of recovery to, you know, not scare everyone on the street? I’m hiding out at home as long as possible, but I can’t be a hermit forever, and this is going to take weeks to heal. Please help me!

This is why we should never bike! I am so sorry about your accident but also very, very happy you are okay. I hope you were wearing a helmet! Were you wearing a helmet??

Okay, “advice.” (Oh, and this might be inappropriate, but you are obviously gorgeous, plus now you look badass.)

Anyway, and I recognize that it’s absurd and easy to say this from the comfort of my soft, motionless chair and un-hurt face (I never leave my home, it’s great), but maybe just try to … well, if not enjoy, then appreciate it? Maybe learning what it’s like to have people stare at you in ways they didn’t before will help you discover an inner serenity. “Discover an inner serenity” — WTF am I saying. I have no idea, I am sorry. Make up an amusing backstory? Perpetually support your favorite football team? Say “what happened to YOUR face?” to anyone who asks?

It doesn’t seem like makeup would be the way to go. But it’s totally fine to scare people in the streets, though. People in the streets can … well I don’t know, but they can definitely deal with it. Maybe it’ll provide a way to filter or otherwise learn new things about the people in your life. The “oh my god what happened to your face”-ers vs. the “hey, how’s it going, have you seen Spring Breakers yet”-ers.

Just tell me you were wearing a helmet! Okay, you were wearing a helmet? Good.

Also ahhhh insurance! There, all fixed.

4. Do I need to tell people I’m casually dating that I have oral herpes? I only recently realized I have it (I’ve had ONE tiny cold sore) and to me it’s not really a big deal. But I also just joined OKCupid and feel a little extra weird about telling complete strangers. Like I SHOULD, but it just seems so gross to bring up in casual internet conversation, something I wouldn’t blame a person for being involuntarily turned off by. But I am also the kind of person who will totally make-out on a first date/encounter, so I also wouldn’t want to wait until then to bring it up. Also, I’m a lesbian — in my experience the STD etiquette is a little different than with straight people, it’s not assumed you’ll use barriers with oral sex etc.

No! No, you definitely do not. Everyone has oral herpes. I’m feeling pretty confident about this one.

5. I recently decided to get in touch with a guy I had shared a night with a few years back. We went to university together and had mutual friends so I sent him a chatty message inquiring as to how he was doing and apologising for/joking about the night we spent together (we were sloppy drunk and my recollection is hazy at best). I’d always had a bit of a ‘what if…’ about this guy and I suppose I was curious to see if he remembered me. As it happened he remembered that night pretty well, possibly better than I do, and we began IMing regularly for hours at a time. From a quick peruse of his Facebook I was vaguely aware that he had a girlfriend but there was no definite status and he never brought her up, I let this lie for a while thinking the chats were fairly harmless anyway.

Then, the other night, things started to get pretty flirty and after we’d been talking for two hours I decided one of us should address the girlfriend-shaped elephant in the room — “does your girlfriend mind you chatting to me?” I asked, and he responded that he really wasn’t sure. I thought this would calm the situation down but instead it had the opposite effect, suddenly the chat veered towards him complimenting me, expressing regret that he didn’t get to know me sooner, and then he started to recall memories (which I would say were of a sexual nature) of the night we spent together. He claims he doesn’t talk to other girls this way, it’s just he finds our connection exciting and somewhat frustrating, and I agree. After the chat got a little out of hand we agreed to cool things down, he says he still wants to be friends and chat regularly, also I’m moving (an hour) to the city he lives in in the next few months, and there was talk of us hanging out then. I know I want to continue chatting to him, but I worry that it’s wrong on several levels: 1) He has a girlfriend, and I’m pretty sure she’d be upset by our correspondence. 2) I’m not in a relationship and I could easily develop feelings for him. 3) I’m not sure it’s entirely possible to have a friendship with someone who you’ve expressed sexual desire for and has expressed the same towards you. All that said, I really enjoy talking to him and he says the same about me, if we make the effort to keep things more platonic what’s the harm?

You know the answer, which is to stop talking to him. But you probably won’t, and I don’t think it’s the hugest deal, because maybe it’ll be one of those things that teach you all about boundaries. Or not. I mean, who knows. I’m not really sure how to respond to this, actually. Play it out? Do what you feel is best for you. But I do think the way you come out of this feeling best about yourself will be by cutting off contact with him, in a friendly way. It’ll sting and be annoying, but then you’ll forget about him. And then maybe he’ll be single again at some point in the future. And then you’ll have kept the slate pretty clean. Cleanish.

And this might be an unpopular belief, but I think the “what constitutes cheating” thing generally has to be figured out through trial and error, with regard to Facebook and email and all the other ways of instantly contacting and connecting with people, and what’s appropriate and what isn’t. Because at some point you have to figure out where your own personal comfort/honor line is, and what you know would hurt the person you’re with, and if you’re the kind of person who’s okay with knowingly doing things that would hurt other people.

Btw karma.

6. I just started seeing this amazing guy who seems perfect for me in all respects save for one major, perhaps irreconcilable difference. He won’t kiss with tongue. Our make-out sessions consist of moving our mouths over one another’s vigorously with some lip nibbling for emotive emphasis. Every time I try for the smallest caress, his tongue flees like I inserted a piece of jagged tin into his mouth. At first, I thought he might just have been P.D.A.-averse since we had only kissed goodbye on the street. But as of last night, I can say that he is certainly not shy about employing his tongue elsewhere. This leads me to believe he doesn’t like the way kissing with tongue feels. I’m pretty sure I’m not some slobbery tongue monster, and that my French kissing style is well within the expected range for hot and heavy make outs. Sex with him otherwise is pretty good, but passionate kisses are one of my key turn-ons and the idea of forgoing them saddens me. I don’t think I can be with a guy who won’t put his tongue in my mouth. Is this something I can talk to him about? I think he’s into me enough to try to accomodate my sexual needs. But I don’t want to offend him and I don’t want him to be grossed out by our saliva-coated organs sliding against each other. How should I approach this?

Whaaat!? Actually, no — this happened to me once. Everything was great, we had excellent chemistry, it had been building for years, and then we started kissing and it was like, all lip, as you describe. I was like … iiis this a joke? What am I supposed to be doing, then? It was sad and confusing. I kind of just rolled with it, although I don’t totally remember what that entailed, except maybe literal rolling around of faces, and lip-sucking.

Jesus, yeah, I have no idea. The other part about my story is that later we hooked up again and everything was totally normal, and tongue was involved. I want to be like, “I guess he had a piece of gum in his mouth that first time?” but I don’t think he did, and you’d think he’d have spit it out. It never came up again, because we never hooked up again. Well, we actually did one more time, but that is not interesting.

My god, I have no idea. “Why is it that you don’t seem to enjoy kissing me with tongue?” has to be one of the least sexy sentences I can imagine. I really have no idea or help for you, I am sorry. Because then it’s like this chore that he’s doing?

Wow, yeah, good luck! Good luck, everyone.

Previously: The Bestworst Guy

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies. Do you have any questions for A Lady?