A Guide to Coachella FOMO

by Celeste Ballard

It’s finally here! Coachella FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) week. The time between the two Coachella weekends when all of the people you follow on Twitter and Instagram are in Indio, getting their face painted, chugging Pabst, and hooking up with people who are friends with that guy you know from internet, all portrayed in the sweet, sweet glow of filters. And you have to suffer from the fear of missing out on desert sunsets and lots of bare thighs.

If you’re anything like me (hunkered down in your apartment, clinging to your duvet for dear life), you’re probably wondering what you can do at home to make yourself feel like you’re at COACHELLA getting your VIBE ON! Fear not. Here’s how to recreate the cool chaos of Coachella in the comfort of your own home:

– Pick up three friends. Drive two hours on I-95. Park. Stay awake for three days and stare directly into the sun. Drive home.

– Drink artisan bourbon out of a formerly pierced belly button.

– Take Insta-selfies in front of the Ferris wheel at Coney Island. Wonder how many people at Coachella are aware of the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy.

– Take mushrooms. Hallucinate that Jack White has started a band with your nipples as the drummers.

– Find a Brooklyn bar with an outdoor area. Talk loudly about how much better Coachella was before they switched to two weekends. Go home early and sleep on a tarp on a bare floor.

– Drink excessive amounts of PBR. Go to a Forever 21. Hippie dance among the aisles of their “outdoor festival” section.

– Stick your Modest Mouse in a Passion Pit.

– Barf on a man with a pierced cheek.

– Smoke a doob in your apartment. Turn on Tegan & Sara as loud as your neighbors will allow. Pass out standing up.

– Go to SoHo. Stand near a model and pretend you’re backstage in the VIP section. Feel short and tubby. Sneak a peek at the model’s lower butt cheeks peeking out of her shorts. If it’s cold out and the model is wearing pants, just imagine those fleshy half-moons.

– Start a mosh pit on the L train.

– Hire a DJ off Craigslist. Invite him/her over to tell you his/her truths. If it goes well, give him a so-so hand job / her a cursory finger exploration. Exchange Twitter handles.

– Create a mud pit in your bathtub. Blast some Joy Division and flail around.

If you’re OK with the fact that you’re not at Coachella, here are a couple of things you can do that are more productive than being at Coachella:

– Unsubscribe from LinkedIn.

– Throw out those two gross bananas you’ve kept around.

If you’re really sad to miss out on that musical desert experience, remember you can always buy tickets to The Governors Ball on Governors Island. It’s half the price, and only a ferry ride away.

Celeste Ballard is a producer at Above Average, the digital arm of Broadway Video, the people behind SNL, 30 Rock, Portlandia etc. Unsurprisingly, you can find her on Twitter @celesteballard.