Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Mom

1. Honestly? I’ve never really liked you.

2. Me and a bunch of your friends like to imitate your voice and mannerisms behind your back.

3. I was watching “Game of Thrones,” and thought of you, and couldn’t imagine why! And then it came to me: grime. Just constant, low-grade grime.

4. When we do karaoke, everyone knows you’re going to pick that same Mary Chapin Carpenter song, and you think you’re totally nailing it, but it just comes across like you’re needy and trying too hard. I mean, maybe that’s unfair? I guess modern-day Lyle Lovett might be interested in you for eleven million dollars.

5. You are unworthy of experiencing love.

6. We only eat your flan to be polite; it has a weird, soapy taste.

7. I dread your Oscars party every year.

8. You think no one remembers that you peed in a laundry hamper when you were drunk sophomore year, but we call it “pulling a [mom’s name]” and not in an endearing, “oh, [mom’s name]” way.

9. We know that you secretly think you look like Rose Byrne, and that’s why you sometimes “randomly” start conversations about which celebrities people resemble, but no one else agrees and never will.

10. Your kid sucks.