If ’90s Dude-Crushes Were Food

By The Hairpin March 19, 2013

by Katie Walsh and Mary Miller

Katie Walsh and Mary Miller continue to ask themselves the most important questions.

KW: Chris O’Donnell was my first crush in Batman Forever.
MM: School Ties was mine, for him. Definitely a good one. He fell off the face of the earth!
KW: I saw him at LAX one time and was like OHMAHGAAHHH!
MM: SHUT UP. Was he hot? Was he short?
KW: He was very dadlike. Surrounded by kids, a dog, luggage — but hot.
MM: Of course.
MM: Cute, but he’s the Cream-of-Wheat of men. The American Cheese of men?
KW: The grilled cheese on white bread with American cheese of men.

MM: …dipped in ranch. Of men.

KW: What’s Keanu? Quinoa or something.
MM: Quinoaneau Reeves!
KW: Something vaguely “exotic” but boring. Like Keanu.

MM: I had it so bad for him when Speed came out. He was the whole WORLD.
KW: Keanu in Speed and Chris in Batman Forever were when I understood HOTNESS.
MM: It was a beautiful time. Okay, what about Brendan Fraser? Beef stew?
KW: Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

MM: LOL. I’m dying over here. DINTY MOORE.
MM: What is it, even? “Hello my name is Dinty. Dinty Moore.”
KW: What’s Dinty short for?
MM: Dinton?
KW: What about … Jared Leto?
MM: Jared is … oh man. I just got nervous thinking about Jared in the ‘90s.
MM: I mean, my vote would be an ice cream sundae. What about you?
KW: Actually for some reason I thought sushi. I think I’m just thinking about what these men might eat.

MM: And I am like, what would they BE LIKE TO EAT.
MM: But yes, he would eat sushi I bet. I miss ’90s Jared so much.
KW: He was dangerously hot.
MM: What about … JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS! Runts?
KW: Oh God. Mac and cheese with hot dogs.