Breaking News Round-Up

Oh, that’s silly, I’m sure the History Channel didn’t have a Satan in their “The Bible” miniseries who looks anything like Barack Obama. It’s going to be like one of those pancakes that only looks like Tom Selleck if you hold it up like a Magic Eye drawing and squint. Or…

Now, let’s all waffle some falafel, end religious and cultural hatred via dieting, decide against making your own vegan Cadbury eggs, listen to Mila Kunis explain to CNBC why she’s moving from cash to stocks, and wait for the End of Days.

Oh, wait, it is already nigh. You think we’re referring to the fact that Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods took a series of glamour shots to commemorate their Facebook “in a relationship” update, but, in fact, it’s that Elin’s new boyfriend, billionare coal magnate Chris Cline (obviously a secret superhero/supervillian) has a yacht called “Mine Games.”