Texts From Don Quixote

by Mallory Ortberg

Dulcinea
DULCINEA
BESTIR YOURSELF
dragons –
dragons everywhere –

where are there dragons?
where are you?

I am beset by dragons, my love!
there has been perfidy
in this strange land of iron islands
and wraiths that drape themselves in steam

are you in the kitchen?

no kitchen could produce a bellow so terrifying
nor a stench so foul
as that of these steel dragons

i think you are in the kitchen

they perch upon nests of flame!!

yes
you are absolutely in the kitchen
that is the tea kettle

I WILL SLAY THEM ALL

please do not stab my tea kettle

ah, dear one
your concern for my safety does you credit
but a man must be brave
where is my steed
where is Rocinante
I REQUIRE SWIFTNESS

Previously: Texts From the American Girls.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. She is also the weekend editor at The Gloss.