If The Times Can Talk About Lindsay, So Can I

“A few tables away, a distinguished-looking middle-aged man patiently waits for the actress. He has a stack of presents for her.”
 — So ends the first paragraph of this week’s New York Times Magazine feature, “Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie.” I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a less crass/more nuanced way of describing what I’m feeling, but I can’t: this article is seriously almost giving me an orgasm.