Getting the Body You’ve Always Wanted

1. Wait until at least April, when the ground softens.

2. Dress warmly (think layers), bring a shovel and a lantern on a stick.

3. Listen. Is someone coming?

4. Cover your lantern with a blanket, wait.

5. Continue. If you’re not used to hard physical labor, wear weight-lifting gloves to avoid excess chafing.

6. You may need a wheelbarrow. You probably should have brought a wheelbarrow.

7. Come back with a wheelbarrow.

8. Try to have the body you’ve always wanted back to your house by dawn.

9. Get online, start shopping for outfits!

10. Your friends may treat you differently now, with your new body, but they are probably just jealous.