Reading Between the Texts: The Best/Worst Texts We Got This Year

The Texts

2:30 a.m.
Him: I find myself still attracted to you but I’m glad I was able to come talk to you tonight.
R: Well I’ll always have a little crush on you too, but I’m glad we could talk and that you’re happy.
Him: If I’m honest I don’t know if I would have had the resolve to say no if the attempt had been made to take things further.

9:20 a.m.
Him: But you can do way better.

The Analysis

K: Hahahahaha wow I am going to slay the whole solar system.
R: We seriously never have a punching bag around here, anywhere.
K: I can’t take it. I can’t take it. Feel my pulse.
R: It feels normal basically.
K: Like, why does the couple that jet-skied themselves to death on their honeymoon from that TLC show have to die but this ENGAGED asshole piece of shit gets to live?
R: Arghh nooo, don’t bring them up, it’s too much.
K: It’s like, A, not only is he suggesting cheating was on the table and B, insinuating that YOU would be the one to INITIATE the cheating, he is ALSO, C, passive-aggressively asking you to compliment him.
R: I know. He thinks I won’t say “You’re right.”
K: Sometimes I don’t think they know that we KNOW. Anything!
R: Everyone is the dumbest person I’ve ever met.
K: Exactly. But … also. You know you should NOT have said you’d always have a crush on him. Right?
R: I mean, NOW, yes. I don’t know how I’m supposed to know what’s wrong to say until I’ve already tested it out loud.

***

The Texts

L: Why did you kiss me?
 …
L: Ahhh, I guess I drank too much last night. Sorry about that first message.
Him: Haha, you had me worried.

The Analysis

K: You can’t just always ask people questions you want their answers to!
L: I knowww, I just keep forgetting.
K: Ohhh my gooddddd, I’m sooooo embarrassed.
L: What? What about ME in this situation?
K: I feel like I really might be more embarrassed than you though, right now.
L: It was really late. I was delirious!
K: You went to bed at like, midnight.
L: Well. Are you the Bedtime Texting Enforcement Police now? It was twelve-THIRTY.
K: Ughhhh I would really love that career.
L: I still think he could have responded with more than he did.
K: Well yeah. But you need to stop re-falling in love with everyone from your past, because they are unilaterally super-dumb enemies of the state. And YES, perhaps, I need to stop falling in love with imaginary people from my future. Hot strangers I see once. Where do they go?
L: Right. Good. Except then what’s left?

***

The Text

Him: Are you gonna be home tonight? Or are you staying over anywhere else?

The Analysis

C: What the SHIT? Look at THIS — 
K: What do I keep telling you about boy roommates?
C: That’s not the point! Listen — 
K: Nothing good comes of sharing living quarters with those. Sorry, continue.
C: Okay, I saw him with MARIE, like two seconds ago. He’s asking me this because he wants to know if he can sleep with her at our place without witnesses! Again! EVEN though she is back with her boyfriend, and everyone knows this!!!
K: Ahhh are you sure? It is sort of nice he thinks you might have somewhere else to go. Do you want to sleep over?
C: I know, ugh. But okay, when they did this the first time, ALL the first times, I said nothing. But, but … fool ya twice, he’s a … uhhh?
K: No, yep, that’s the whole saying. “Fool ya twice!”
C: Anyway. If you are going to date someone, you only get THAT ONE! You don’t get to have TWO when the rest of us have NOTHING.
K: Just sleep over.

***

The Texts

Him: don’t forget your roots
K: Haha I know. I miss it there! I hope you’re doing well and happy in your fancy new apartment.
Him: [Nothing]

The Analysis

R: What does that even mean really?
K: I THOUGHT it meant “hi, how are you,” or like “hello, I miss you in a friend way but also maybe in a friendly make-out way that we are both fine with, like there is not too much tongue or any confusing add-on activities.”
R: Maybe he meant your hair. Haha. Sorry, omg, sorry. Ugh.
K: What’s ESPECIALLY great is that I would not have cared about not hearing from him UNTIL he texted me and I replied and then he DIDN’T RESPOND.
R: He’s so hot and stupid.
K: Every time I send a text I feel like those people who sent a time capsule of Mozart music or whatever into outer space. Like, “Wow, they’ll really appreciate this I think.” Only everyone out there who just watches it float by is like, “Ummmm there is so much other space stuff that is a priority.”
R: Are you going to bed already?
K: I’m going to my room to stare.

Previously: “Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?”

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and STILL writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to. She’s now an editor at BuzzFeed, and her first book, ‘Never Have I Ever,’ comes out early 2014.