Horrible Things That Have Happened to Doctors on “Private Practice” Since 2007

(Spoilers, but not really, because Shonda will kill them all in the end, despite their weeping and clawing at life. On a serious note, why must these women AND MEN, but mostly women, suffer so horribly? why? Trigger warnings, even.)

Amelia Shepherd: Amelia’s brother is shot. Amelia has a brief fling with Mark Sloan, who will eventually die from complications from a gruesome plane crash. Amelia, an addict in recovery, accidentally has a sip of champagne at a wedding. Amelia relapses. Amelia operates on someone’s brain while loaded. Amelia has her surgical privileges revoked. Amelia’s friend has Huntington’s disease. Amelia assists her in committing suicide, her friend changes her mind halfway through, Amelia is traumatized. Amelia’s friend dies. Amelia goes on a bender. Amelia falls in love while on the bender, she and her love decide to get clean together. Her love dies of an overdose the night before they intended to get clean. Amelia discovers she is pregnant from her dead love. Amelia discovers her baby will be born with no brain. Amelia carries and delivers her baby with no brain. Amelia’s baby dies. Writing this post isn’t fun anymore.

Charlotte King: Charlotte’s father dies. Cbarlotte gets fired. Charlotte is brutally raped and assaulted by a guy played by the guy who played “Xander” on Buffy. While she is having her eye socket smashed, her boyfriend is drunkenly hitting on Amelia. Charlotte will not take any painkillers, because she is a recovering addict. Charlotte’s rapist goes free. Charlotte, who has never wanted to have kids, conceives triplets. Charlotte delivers one of the triplets at 26 weeks and has her cervix sewn shut.

Addison Montgomery: Addison moves to California, discovers the practice is insolvent, takes over, alienates her best friend. Addison’s boyfriend gets shot. Addison’s brother has brain parasites. Addison finds out her parents have been in an open marriage for decades, and she’s been unfairly angry with her father for his perceived infidelities all this time. Addison falls in love with her best friend’s ex-husband, who she works with. Her best friend is alienated for a second time. Addison has to operate on her godchild. Addison cannot have children. Addison’s boyfriend does not want to have children with her. Addison wants children. Addison’s mother’s lover dies. Addison’s mother kills herself. Addison’s fertility treatments do not work.

Violet Turner: Violet gets pregnant and is unsure whether Pete or Sheldon is the dad. Violet’s mentally ill patient cuts Violet’s baby out of her and steals him, leaving Violet bleeding out. Violet lives, but cannot bond with her baby out of trauma. Violet eventually wants back in her baby’s life, but has to fight her ex in court over it. Violet is sued and nearly has her license revoked for mentioning her mentally ill patient in her memoir. Violet and her ex get married. Violet’s new husband has a heart attack. Violet’s husband stops loving her and yells at her constantly. Violet and her husband try to make it work again. Violet’s husband dies. Violet thinks he’s just skipped town, hates him. Violet finds out he’s dead, hates herself.

Cooper Freedman: Cooper has bad online dating experiences, but never has his eye socket broken by a rapist. Cooper feels emasculated by Charlotte. Cooper hits on Amelia while Charlotte is being raped. Cooper finds out he had a son years ago. Cooper’s son’s mom dies, Cooper gets custody of his son. Cooper’s wife gets pregnant, which he always wanted. Things are actually pretty good for Cooper, except for the one triplet being born at 26 weeks.

Sam Bennett: Sam is played by Taye Diggs, so things are pretty good for him. Sam’s teen daughter has a baby. Sam’s girlfriend adopts a baby and they break up.

Sheldon Wallace: Sheldon never gets the girl, but also never has his eye socket broken by a rapist. Sheldon’s pedophile patient kidnaps a child.

Naomi Bennett: Naomi’s best friend constantly sleeps with her ex-husband. Naomi’s teen daughter has a baby, is in a terrible car crash.

Pete Wilder: Pete has a heart attack. Pete is mad. Pete dies of a second heart attack.

Honorary Mention for Nurse Dell Parker: Dell’s addict ex cooks meth in, blows up his house. Dell’s addict ex dies, leaving him to console their child. Dell dies in a terrible car crash, leaving his daughter an orphan.

Honorary Mention for Nurse Dell Parker’s Daughter, Betsy: Betsy’s addict mom dies. Betsy’s dad dies. Betsy has to go into foster care, because all of the characters on “Private Practice” are too busy humping each other and being punished for it by Shonda Rimes to take her in. Betsy is not heard from again until Naomi finds out about it and is a person and adopts her.