What Is White Wine Good For?

by Marissa Maciel

You’ve seen the surfeit of reports that tell you red wine is THE BEST EVER for you, right?

Red wine strengthens your bones, gives you glowing skin, and helps stave off early aging of your brain cells.

But what about white wine?

White wine will take up space in your refrigerator, just chilling out. It will also make you use up your monthly text allowance on your cell phone (“When can I c u xoxoxoxo?”).

White wine pairs great with chicken and light fish, because it hates ruminants. White wine was once quoted as saying, “Cows are ruining the planet with methane, and bison are the juicebox versions of cows; did you see that one attack a man at Yellowstone?” White wine is animal-bigoted.

White wine will hide your tennis shoes under the sofa (red wine always makes sure you put them right by your coat closet), and makes you wear those high-maintenance suede ankle boots to work. It will also hide your comfortable underwear and slippers.

Red wine will help with your cognitive abilities when you get older, but white wine will make you say the things your mother says that make you roll your eyes. “You know, it is REALLY important to keep your cucumbers out of the refrigerator.” “I’ve done Waikiki and Maui. Let’s do Lanai, and do yoga on stand-up-paddle boards.”

White wine won’t stain your teeth, but it will push your lipstick all the way up and drop it on the floor.

It will make you start winking at your pets during inappropriate moments. “Hey kitty! [wink] Come here and let me pet you while I’m peeing! Come here, silly! [wink]”

White wine will cause you to flirt wildly with random people at restaurants. It will make you physically hand the tip to the waiter and say, “Thank you for taking such good care of me tonight.”

Empty white wine bottles will stare at you with a mix of resentment and boredom from the recycling bin. Empty red wine bottles will just ignore you the next morning. Red wine can kind of be a bitch.

Marissa Maciel likes to write about funny stuff, dark stuff, and political stuff. She blogs and tweets. As a member of a wine club, she keeps the reds and gifts the whites (except Albariños).