My 100 Days in Space

by A Spider

“A jumping spider that spent 100 days in space is retiring to @NMNH’s Insect Zoo. @NMNH is live tweeting her arrival right now. #spidernaut”
 — @Smithsonian.

Oh my god it’s so good to be back!!! Wait, I meant to say, I just flew in from space, and all of my arms are so tired and feel so heavy! Haha.

It was a little spooky up there. Out there? They sent me to see if I could still eat in a gravity-free environment, which they didn’t think I could, and which I understand, more or less, as potentially beneficial for science and the greater good. It’s always interesting to figure things out, I suppose. But it’s also like if I trapped a toothless, tongueless human in an enclosed forest with no way out, or something, for years. Will he still be able to feed himself? Let’s see! Also, haha, “or something.” The idea actually came to me about, oh, 98, 99 days ago and has been the only thing on my mind ever since. Look up “all-consuming fantasy,” and there’s like a drawing of a snow globe filled with tiny wild boars, and one tiny, tongueless, toothless man grabbing after them, over and over until he finally gets one, gumming its raw flesh. And I’m behind the snow globe, like, “mm hmm,” smiling, tapping my arms. But don’t worry! I won’t do that, because I know that it’s more pleasant for you to stay on earth and eat normally among your friends.

Speaking of friends, how are my buddies and children doing? Ah, I can’t see them again because I live in Insect Zoo now. Okay, no problem. That doesn’t make me sad, which doesn’t make me desperate, which in turn definitely wouldn’t make me want to exact some kind of equal and opposite revenge, whatever it might be.

Haha, no, I am just a little out of it. 😛

Anyway, results here! Also, are there any good forests in D.C.? I’ve always sort of wondered that.