Five OkCupid Messages That Made Me Want to Revise My Profile

by Mae Rice

MESSAGE
“you look like russell brand hahaha”

REVISION
The first thing people usually notice about me: It’s a three-way tie between my voluminous hair, my megawatt smile, and the fact that when people look into my eyes they think, “She has a knife in her sock.”

MESSAGE
“hey wuss up gorgeous 🙂 jus to let u know im the best lookin guy in the world”

REVISION
I spend a lot of time thinking about: Whether I can find the world’s best looking guy not by looking at thousands of guys, but instead by waiting to encounter a handsome, male man expert online.

MESSAGE
“The weather today is nearly ideal, in stark contrast to the sultry conditions of last week. Lets hope for more of the same.

How is your weekend so far?”

REVISION
Favorite TV shows: The Wire, New Girl, My So-Called Life, and Friends. I also appreciate the Weather Channel for not editorializing about how heat is “sultry,” hail is “hefty,” or rain is “not getting any further up in the sky, I’m afraid.”

MESSAGE
“you have nice lips”

REVISION
On a typical Friday night, I am: Out with my lips and my friends’ lips. And my friends.

MESSAGE
“your smile is so cheesy, i want to throw tortilla chips in your face and gobble you up……

bet you never heard a worse pickup line. :P”

REVISION
The most private thing I’m willing to admit: If you throw tortilla chips at my face without asking, I will try to eat them out of midair. Privately, though, I will think you are rude.

Mae Rice has written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Morning News and The Stranger. Her favorite emoticon is the 😀