Being Tom Hanks

By Nicole Cliffe October 5, 2012

“Most days, he can be found at the local McDonald’s using an internet connection to post online appeals, while drawing the sympathy of doting locals, who have been circulating petitions to get him back home. He’s living a sweaty Pacific island version of “The Terminal,” the movie in which Tom Hanks plays a traveler who loses his citizenship and is stuck in an airport.”

Oh, man, let’s get that guy a state to call home. No one wants to be Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Hey, there’s a thought! Let’s figure this out.

We Would Be Happy Being Tom Hanks in…

1. Real life (obvi)
2. Splash (sign us up!)
3. Bachelor Party (oh, to be young and carefree and a little gross again)
4. Sleepless in Seattle (eventually)
5. Apollo 13 (if we knew it was gonna work out)
6. That Thing You Do (peppy!)
7. You’ve Got Mail (even before you win Meg Ryan’s heart, you have a lot of money)
8. The Da Vinci Code (you’re super smart and your cardio would be through the roof by the end)

We Would Be Sad Being Tom Hanks in…

1. The Terminal (obvi)
2. Philadelphia (you would get to hook up with a young Antonio Banderas BUT…)
3. The Green Mile (you would not get to hook up with a young Antonio Banderas)

4. The Bonfire of the Vanities (bag of dicks)
5. Joe Versus the Volcano (it gets better for him, I guess?)
6. Saving Private Ryan (can’t even WATCH the Normandy landing without a Xanax)
7. Cast Away (do not want)
8. Road to Perdition (too much rain)

We Can’t Really Tell if We Would Be Down With Being Tom Hanks in…

1. Forrest Gump (can we talk about how the secret message of Forrest Gump is THE COUNTERCULTURE WILL GIVE YOU AIDS? Be bumbling and sweet and things will work out?)
2. Big (we’re leaning towards “would be happy,” but it’s tough to say, right?)
3. A League of Their Own (it seems like you’d have to put in a few decades of being a sad drunk person before Geena Davis gets you back on track, and then you never hook up with her anyway)
4. Toy Story (being a toy is a little too “Velveteen Rabbit” for comfort)
5. Toy Story 2 (debating whether you would choose immortality is pretty rough)
6. The Polar Express (uncanny valley)
7. Toy Story 3 (again, surprisingly heavy decision-making for a plastic cow-person)
8. Cloud Atlas (biding our time on this one)