Answers to “What’s That Thing on Your Baby’s Head?”

1. “It is a large collection of blood vessels pushing through the scalp which will be gone by the time she’s four.” (This is the one you say out loud.)

2. “Oh, that? It’s a clump of uterus that will just NOT come off, darn it!”

3. “Oh, you’re so sweet. You didn’t realize the whole thing is a cunning little hat, hair included.”

4. “The propeller fell off.”

5. “It’s an ingrown hair. We’re going to use TendSkin going forward.”

6. “It’s a Life Alert button. If we don’t press it firmly every morning, the paramedics come.”

7. “All indigo children have them.”

8. “Oh, bless your heart. Are you the Make-a-Wish representative who’s meeting our plane? We can’t believe she’s really getting to meet her hero, Dov Charney.”

9. “They call it pediatric mammarian envy. In laymen’s terms, a sympathy nipple.”

10. “She’s a never-nude, so we had a tiny tiny pair of jean shorts grafted onto her skull.”

11. “She’s half-Klingon.”

12. “Trust me: if there’s a sign telling you not to feed the seagulls, don’t feed the seagulls.”

13. “It’s a punishment from God for being lesbians.” (if the person traveling with you is a woman)

14. “It’s a punishment from God because my husband isn’t her real father.” (if the person traveling with you is a man)

15. “We missed a spot with the sunscreen.”

16. “We owed Suge Knight a lot of money.”