Texts From the Baby-Sitters Club

By The Hairpin September 26, 2012

by Mallory Ortberg

Hey Claudia
I know math is really tough for you
but even you should know
that two dollars an hour
for six hours
means we’re at least twelve dollars short
of what should be in the treasury
i know how much twelve is, Kristy
and i didn’t take your stupid money
look
all I’m saying
is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room
probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars
like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet appliqués
yeah well
at least my dad still lives at home
unlike some people’s dads
unlike your dad
Kristy

Kristy? It’s Mallory
I hope you don’t mind my texting you; I had to get your number from Mary Anne
but she’s not around or something
I guess
I was just wondering if we had a meeting today?
I’ll check with Stacey

Kristy, Mrs. Dawes said that you never showed up on Friday
to babysit the girls
She had to cancel her plans
she’s really upset
What’s going on with you lately?
oh sorry
i probably just couldn’t hear the phone ring when she called
this mansion is sooooo big
Watson’s mansion i mean
I know which mansion you mean
my new dad Watson
who does live with us
Claaaaaudia
Claudia’s not here
i know
i know that

Hey Stacey!
It’s Mallory
do you know if we’re meeting today?
I heard Dawn mention something about it but for some reason I can’t get a hold of anybody
let me know if this is the right number for you
might be an old number
I made brownie bars so I hope it’s today haha
i mean any time we meet is fine
it’s all fine with me
oh my god and the brownies have sugar in them
I swear to God I wasn’t thinking
I’m really sorry, Stacey

shit
shit
claudia have you seen karen
not lately
i can’t find her
like she’s not in the house
last i saw her
she was borrowing your glue gun to put rhinestones on her homework like i told her
well what have you been doing for the last hour then
i was enamelling
what have YOU been doing for the last hour
you know i don’t like you guys to watch me take my insulin shots
oh i didn’t know that’s what we were calling robbie brewster now
CLAUDIA
i cannot believe you
oh my god
by the way did you give mallory my real phone number?
because that is not okay
i got like thirty texts from her this morning