Fictional Establishments We Would Like to Open One Day

by Domenique Elliott and John Osborne

1. Curryoke: karaoke bar featuring only Bollywood songs

2. Cinco de Mayo Clinic: Mexican hospital for difficult cases

3. Gluten Tag: gluten-free german bakery

4. Frit-tatas: strip club/brunch place

5. Sexon Valdez: Alaskan whorehouse

6. Scuba Libre: underwater Cuban restaurant

7. Oi!nk: punk rock BBQ

8. Jimmy Buffet’s: a Key West buffet with an all-you-can-drink margarita bar

9. Transylvania: strip club for Romanian transvestites

10. Mammary Lane: vintage bras

11. Gordon Rightfoot’s: shoe store for people with mismatched feet

12. Helen of Poi: Greek/Hawaiian fusion

13. FLAAAN!: Mexican desserts with a Star Trek theme

14. Jurassic Pork: day-old discount meats

Domenique Elliott (big sis) is a copywriter in New York while John Osborne (little bro) mans the smoker at Detroit’s best BBQ joint. They share an abundance of genetic material including excessive height, curly hair and a deep, abiding love of word play.

Illustration by Leah Lin.