Make Friends and Influence People, With Cookies

Before I give you this recipe of recipes, here’s a little disjointed tale: as a kid, I’d bring these cookies to school for my birthday, which was already not the perfect birthday to have seeing as how it was also Abe “The Best” Lincoln’s, so it was like “Abe, Abe, Abe… ugh, Jane too, I guess. Did you at least bring cookies since, you know, you aren’t even Abe Lincoln?” In an attempt to win the room over during the remaining three minutes of the school day, I’d whip these bad boys out along with some milk because Hawaiian Punch with cupcakes is literally the most disgusting birthday meal imaginable.

Since these cookies look a little bit like piles of crap and I did happen to live on a farm, everyone would point and laugh and be grossed out and tell me I brought poop to school for my own birthday. But then guess what would happen? They would devour all that “poop.” So, joke’s on them. Also, chocolatey peanut butter goodness in them.

Nowadays, it’s too hot (and only getting hotter, infinity) to turn on the oven, so here’s the only cookie recipe you’ll ever need until the day you die, which could be today of an acute case of eating too many of these cookies.

Chocolate No-Bakes

1 stick (1/2 cup) of butter
2 cups of sugar
1/4 to 1/3 cup cocoa powder — eyeball it, who cares?
1/2 cup milk, any kind probably?

Bring all of that to a ROLLING BOIL. Like crazy, scary boiling. Stir constantly. Boil, aggressively in this violent manner, for one minute. It’s better to go long than not boil enough, so keep that in mind if you’re “one Mississippi”-ing it. Remove from heat.

Then add:

1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup peanut butter of your choice — eyeball it, who cares?
3 cups of oats (I like the non-quick cooking ones, but do whatever you want.)

Stir. Plop into poop shapes on wax paper or foil or the counter or wherever and sit there watching them setup for like five minutes. Scarf down.