Being a Communication Ninja

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Before we get into the really good advice about managing your more-difficult interpersonal relationships, an obvious caveat: end your most difficult interpersonal relationships. You can’t always do it, of course. Sometimes you love them, sometimes they’re family, sometimes they work next to you, and you have to keep them in your life. So, let’s proceed with that understanding: this person is there to stay, so we’re going to make it work. Oh, and, ideally, you’ve already tried to be honest with them about your issues and nothing has changed.

The Fundamental Fake-Out: Pretend you already have the relationship you want with this individual. Insist that things have already changed for the better. Thank them for the imaginary improvement.

Two Examples:
“Mom, I want to you to know that I really, really appreciate how much you’ve been working on not being judgmental about my weight. I can tell that you’ve been working on it, and it’s made me so much happier about calling you and getting together over holidays. This Thanksgiving is going to be our best ever.”

“Ella, I don’t want to get all maudlin, but I’ve noticed that you’re making a real effort to ask about MY life when we get together, not just constantly re-hashing your breakup from last August. You’re finally moving on and getting your life back together, and it’s been incredible for our friendship. I’m proud of you. Have this bag of Swedish Fish.”

Why it Works:

Look, let’s get real here. Most people are thrilled to believe nice things about themselves said by other people. Makes sense! You’re not getting mad (probably you’ve tried it, to no avail, or you wouldn’t be attempting to gaslight your mom and Ella), you’re being positive, you’re linking the imaginary better behavior to a reward (more calls! Thanksgiving! Swedish fish!), and you’re offering them two choices: accept a compliment, or enter into a direct confrontation. And, if you’ve wound up at that place, maybe the direct confrontation isn’t such a terrible end result.

Troubleshooting:

Okay, maybe Ella is cannier than she seems. Maybe your mom can read you like a book, and you’re not exactly Frightened Inmate #2. Maybe they’re just too committed to re-looping the old, aggravative narrative. This is when you work on your denial. EMBRACE THE DENIAL. Example? “Well, honey, I’m just concerned that you’re not being healthy.” “Oh, my gosh, I have to go! Good talk, Mom!” (click) Cut off enough negative exchanges at the knees, and Pavlov’s dumbest dog will eventually figure out they need to play better ball.

Now, give it a shot, okay? You have nothing to lose but your chains.

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