Really Good Books About the Sea Being Terrible

By Nicole Cliffe June 4, 2012

Terrible unless you’re a fish or a Kennedy, naturally. Now, don’t worry. There is no need to enjoy INTERACTING with the sea in order to merrily tear through the wealth of fabulous literature about it. Read in the bathtub! Read by the pool. Read while sitting next to a fountain drink at a diner. The sea kills (see below), so it’s better to avoid it altogether. Rogue waves! ROGUE WAVES. You know how there are those websites that tell you when the nudity happens in Hollywood films? Someone should develop one for rogue waves. How far into Poseidon? How far before the end of The Perfect Storm? Do you have to watch the whole trailer for 2012? If you’re reading The Wave: In Pursuit of the Rogues, Freaks, and Giants of the Ocean by Susan Casey (it’s great!), how quickly can you skim past the chapters about surfing to get to the good stuff?

Two Years Before the Mast, Richard Henry Dana — It’s free for the Kindle, and the full text is all over the web, so only buy it if you have a maritime-themed bathroom. Isn’t it remarkable how many of the BEST books about the sea are actually about how much the sea kind of sucks? I mean, you get the “and the icebergs were gorgeous, the Southern Cross laalalalalalala” parts, but the day-to-day is all “lost four teeth during breakfast, the salt drying on my blackened flesh is agonizing, and by breakfast I meant crackers made of more salt.”

Dark Noon, Tom Clavin — Did you know you don’t have to go way, way, way out in the sea to die? Pro tip: if a weird girl says “Meet me in Montauk,” say “I will be happy to share a lobster roll with you in a land-based restaurant of your choosing.” Also, be that person who loudly counts the number of people in the boat and then performatively points to each life preserver in turn.

In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex, Nathaniel Philbrick — I always root for the surly animal, of course, but he probably should have killed them cleanly and not left them to cannibalism and dehydration and so on. This book is the best kind of disaster reading, since it was SO far away, really, it’s hard to feel bad. Or, it’s easy to feel bad, and I have no empathy? Hm. And Philbrick is tremendously entertaining.

Moby Dick, Herman Melville — Look, there are Books of Note that aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. We all know it. Personally, I hated Middlesex, and everyone else loved it except for my friend Jeremy. That’s not important! What’s important is that Moby Dick is actually a gorgeous, gorgeous novel, and Benito Cereno is amazing, and Bartleby is great, and you can even enjoy Melville’s mediocre poetry if you come in with the right mindset. Man was a goddamn genius. Let’s all listen to Laurie Anderson’s One White Whale.

The Outlaw Sea: A World of Freedom, Chaos, and Crime, William Langewiesche — Langewiesche is the greatest. He is the BEST longform non-fiction writer currently working, provided you’re looking for “planes and boats get into serious trouble” reading, which, of course, you should be. Columbia! Nutso mid-air collison above the Amazon! ValuJet 592! The Estonia! EgyptAir 990! THIS BOOK. He’s also kind of hot?

A Voyage for Madmen, Peter Nichols — I don’t even want to spoil this one. The only thing more terrible than the sea is attempting to get around it very quickly and without company in order to win a stupid prize.

Next up for your compiler? The Strange Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurst and Kon-Tiki: Across the Pacific by Raft. Down the rabbit-hole we go!