I Went to a Beauty Convention and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

The International Beauty Show and International Esthetics, Cosmetics, and Spa Conference in Las Vegas ended yesterday, which was about three days too late. When I say “beauty show and cosmetics conference” you think “dreamworld.” Even my dad, when I told him where I was going, said, “Well that sounds fun.” But it wasn’t. How is this possible?

First off, no one was giving out free samples or even pens or buttons or stickers. Instead, companies were selling their goods right there at the booths at “special show prices!” which weren’t actually that low. It felt like a gun show. Or a flea market.

There were demonstrations going on all over the place and I’m pretty sure the models were just conference attendees who still had to pay for the service. Things I saw happening to ladies while other mostly-ladies stood around and gawked: armpit waxing; permanent tattoo eyeliner and eyebrows; a lady getting slathered with some grease, wrapped up in plastic wrap, and stuffed inside a pressurized, inflatable, heated suit so she could instantly become skinnier.

NEWS FLASH: There is no such thing as an over-the-counter fountain of youth cream or non-invasive method for immediate weight loss and body reshaping. Not even at a so-called “convention.”

There were also people getting their hair cut or faces airbrushed with makeup, and lots of gel manicure demonstrations.

By far, the most popular booths were the glitter tattoo ones. Glitter tattoos are this summer’s feather hair extensions, did you know? They look like crap, but everyone wanted one. Some booths were doing them for five dollars, but I couldn’t get close enough to see what “doing them” consisted of. I think it’s like a stencil and some glitter and some fixative.

And there was only one full bar on the whole floor.

Eventually I got free samples from Rusk and Earthly Body, so big ups to them for understanding and respecting the fact that this was A CONVENTION. A few other folks got it too, but I think they might have gotten their dates mixed up. First, there was Joe who was selling art. He kept fixing his hair while I tried to take his photo and then when I was done he silently handed me a business card and kissed my hand.

And this guy was there…

Stacy here cleaned my ring for me.

You can’t see it in the photo at all and there was no sign, but I will tell you what was being sold at this next booth: a remote control helicopter with a video camera in it that you can use for spying.

And then these people were selling sheets?

On my way out, which couldn’t have come soon enough, I saw this lady on stilts. She was promoting flat irons and curling irons, obviously. When I asked a dude who was flirting with her if he would please take a photo of us, he said “sure” and she reached down to grab my hand. The guy took forever so we ended up holding hands for at least a full minute. Think about it.