Conceptual Marriage Ceremonies for the Wedding-Averse

by Lamar Clarkson

They sit on the floor and flip through dictionaries. He finds the entry for “wife”; she turns to the one for “husband.” They each place a finger on the pronunciation key. On three.

…

Taking separate cars, they drive to the hardware store and meet in the birdseed aisle. They break open packages of seed and start throwing it at each other. The shop owner calls security. On the report they give their names as Mr. and Mrs.

…

They save up their vacation days and book a flight to Brazil. When the day arrives, they put on fancy clothes and take a taxi to the airport. After changing planes in Atlanta, Lima, and Brasilia, they land at the Santa Isabel do Morro Airport (IDO).

…

They make an appointment at a bridal salon. The bride tries on a dozen dresses, gliding out in taffeta and silk chiffon and trains and bustles and long satin gloves. When the attendant isn’t looking, the groom sneaks into the dressing room and they snap a photo. He tells her how pretty she looks. She changes back into her skirt and flats. They go to Panera Bread.

…

Sitting side by side on the couch with their laptops, they update their Netflix queue as follows:

He: Wedded Bliss?
She: House of Yes
He: Can’t Hardly Wait
Together: Hitch

Previously: Headlines to Use in the Event of Being Trapped in the Offices of a Bridal Magazine.

Lamar Anderson is a writer in the Bay Area.