Women I Daydream About Being While Taking Long Showers

1. Myself, but I can read minds. And not in that “oh, it’s not as great as it sounds, it’s really overwhelming and psychologically unsettling” way. I can turn it off any time I want, and it’s awesome.

2. Myself, but I direct and write Mad Men. I funded the pilot myself, play Peggy, and maintain complete creative control. Also Deadwood. Which is back on the air. And I am Alma Garret.

3. Myself, but I directed and wrote Casino Royale. Daniel Craig raves about me in interviews, and we were on the cover of Vanity Fair with me digging a stiletto into his chest while he stared at me adoringly. We’re totally platonic, but we take vacations together in Italy and there’s a lot of sexual tension.

4. Myself, but I am a really eclectic singer-songwriter (I am Robyn AND Adele AND Jenny Lewis AND Patty Griffin AND I do these great little intimate secretive cabaret performances where I perform Joni Mitchell and Wilco and The Mountain Goats covers.)

5. Myself, but I am an immortal vampire from the 16th century who can read minds. I also turn my husband into a vampire, so we can be together forever, but I make him sweat it out for a few years first in order to show off my mad skillz.

6. Myself, but I somehow know that I will never become physically injured, so I do a ton of parkour and fox-hunting and off-piste skiing.

7. Myself, but I can eat absolutely anything in any quantities and maintain perfect health while looking exactly like Jessica Biel.

8. Myself, but Mindy Kaling and I text each other a lot.

9. Myself, but I live in Highclere Castle and have a ton of servants who are crazy discreet and really enjoy being servants due to a weird mental thing like The Ood (minus the horrible brain surgery) and adore me.

10. Myself, but I know all about science and write authoritative articles for the Hairpin named things like: “The G-Spot: Awesome, Bullshit, or Just Part of Your Clit That Wraps Around?”

11. Alison Brie.