Short Lists
by Michelle E. Crouch
Games the cats are good at
1. Playing dead
***
Things to do after you talk to your ex on the phone and find out your other ex just broke up with the girl he started dating two weeks after you ended your four year relationship (not that you can complain because you were already sleeping with the ex you’re now on the phone with and anyway now you’re in a happy relationship and engaged), which knowledge on the part of your ex causes you to wonder if he might now be sleeping with your other ex’s ex
1. Take a bong hit
***
Things to do after that
1. Start an ancestry.com account and find your paternal grandfather’s college yearbook picture
***
Your fiance’s reaction when he walks in and sees the picture (which looks exactly like your dad)
1. Jump backwards one foot
2. Yell “AH!” in terror
***
Reasons the hummus tastes weird
1. You used sesame oil instead of tahini
***
Reasons you have no tahini
1. There are no Middle Eastern groceries in town
2. It costs $8 for a tiny thing at the regular grocery store and that’s stupid
***
Things that are better than going to a reading
1. Watching a documentary about ballerinas in Russia and then one about gymnasts in North Korea
***
I wonder where those two women are going with those objects?
1. A small dog carrier
2. A squirrel trap
3. A shovel
***
What that dumb restaurant Deluxe should really call itself
1. Overpriced, amiright?
***
Requirements for maintaining emotional equilibrium
1. B vitamins
2. Fish oil
3. Effexor
4. Lots of coffee
***
Facts about the neighbor’s cat
1. Her name is Miss Mimi
2. She had an abortion
***
Signs this ironic beer pong party might not be as ironic as you’d thought
1. You find yourself extremely invested in a round of flip cup
***
Signs you are extremely invested in a round of flip cup
1. You ask “Regular or Penn State rules?”
2. When you win, you do that thing where you make your arms into an X over your vagina, even though you aren’t really sure what the gesture means, perhaps “Eat it”?
***
Yoga instructor dealbreakers
1. Discussion of third eyes or chakras
2. Spritzing people with sandalwood and myrhh infused mist during corpse pose without their goddamn consent
3. More than one “om” per class and that’s really quite generous
***
Emotions you may feel when you turn on the radio and it’s Prairie Home Companion
1. Pure rage
Michelle E. Crouch neither attended Penn State nor owns a bong.