Internal Monologue During The Q&A at a Movie Premiere

— Ask something!

— No don’t. Please, please don’t.

— Ask something! ASK SOMETHING! I could just be the funny person who gets the microphone and says “BILL PULLMAN YOU LOOK GREAT!” I could even add a bit about Spaceballs. “Big Spaceballs fan!” Like that.

— Do not be the funny person who says that. Don’t be the funny person. You do not have a question.

[SPOILER ALERT]

— But I do! I must, somewhere. I… could ask how important it was to the director that Lola’s character is single at the end of the film, apropos of the media’s current obsession with strong women choosing to be single! That whole thing. Something like that!

-Hmm. Go on.

-That could be a good question! And maybe I can still throw the Bill Pullman thing in also, after the question. Or before! Before the question! Oh, imagine his face. Imagine making a movie star smile, like really smile.

— And then everyone here would adore you, right? You’re an asshole. And you’d only be able to ask a question in some dumb nervous voice. Embarrassing. Not worth the palpitations, which, oh look, here they are anyway.

— I… I could ask about the curious Russ & Daughters products in the film! I could ask if the director wanted to be in the film, because he was in the last film he directed! Yes! Yes! All good questions! Albeit all for the director. What about all the other people on stage? Think of questions for them, for the others, so they don’t feel bad to just be standing there.

— …

— What?

— I’ll just let you sit with that final thought.

— And maybe I don’t even need the microphone to say the Bill Pullman thing! Maybe I could just yell it between questions, like a funny person a concert.

— You have always wanted to be the funny person at a concert.

— It’s true, I’ve always wanted to be the funny person at a concert. Even if just briefly.

— Well then, here’s your chance. Right?

— I guess! I guess. But wait, really? I shoul — Oh. It’s… it’s over.

— It’s over. Esther. Honey. Go home.

Esther Werdiger has a weekly podcast, a rich internet life, an Australian bank account, a day job in Jerusalem, and clients in America. She’s been traveling lately but will be back with a new chapter of her comic The League of Ordinary Ladies very soon!