Transcript of an Awkward Phone Conversation With My Mother

by Natalie Linden

MOM: “It worked!”

ME: “Uh, hi Mom. What worked?”

MOM: “I asked the Facebook what it would take to get my daughter to call me.”

ME: “Oh. You mean as a status update? I didn’t see it.”

MOM: “Maybe I didn’t put it in right. Anyway [37 minutes of finances, mysterious ailments, and family drama]. How are you?”

ME: “I’m fine. Just busy working on my novel.”

MOM: “That’s good. [22 more minutes on finances, mysterious ailments, family drama, and leading questions about my relationship]. Well, I just thought I’d call and see how you were doing.”

ME: “Mom, I’m the one who called you.”

MOM: “Anyway, I should go. Oh, and I’m going to comment on your internet smut.”

ME: “You mean the sex scene I posted to my blog? Yeah, I heard you didn’t like it. Dad told me. And [my sister]. And [my cousin].”

MOM: “No, honey, I didn’t. You know I’ve read a gazillion romance novels, and yours isn’t working.”

ME: “Mom, I’m not writing a romance novel.”

MOM: “I don’t care, Honey. If it’s going to be a good, exciting novel, you have to play the sex scenes very carefully. You can’t make it too graphic. You can’t say tits.”

ME: “Tits is too graphic?”

MOM: “Yes. It’s a derogatory term invented by a bunch of bald, fat barflies who couldn’t get any women. Or maybe hippies. I read your scene to my friend and she agreed with me. You have to be more careful with the wordage.”

ME: “So … okay. What … wordage should I use, then?”

MOM: “Boobs, breasts, knockers, the girls, things like that.”

ME: “Um okay. Anything else?”

MOM: “Yes. No secret agent would lose his erection. He would control it. Agents are very masculine and in perfect control of themselves. It’s their job. He would make it go down, if he wanted to. I read your scene to another friend and she said the same thing.”

ME: “Mom, how many people have you read it to? And when were you going to talk to me about it?”

MOM: “I’ve just been really busy with [10 more minutes of finances, family drama, and mysterious ailments, with a special focus on her sinuses]. Anyway, I’m enjoying your book. I can’t wait to see it in the Barnes & Noble.”

ME: “Thanks Mom. But I have to finish writing it first. And then I have to land an agent before I can even begin to hope…”

MOM: “Oh, and I LOVED that baby sloth video you posted. Post more baby sloths! Love you. Bye!”

ME: “Love you too, Mom.”

Natalie Linden is writing her feminist fairytale spy novel with the help of the internet. And her mother. You can weigh in here.