The Most Controversial Ending to Any Bachelor in History Ever

by Amy Ansalone

Sixteen seasons, one successful marriage, hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy bills and about 30 failed relationships later, The Bachelor is set to wrap up its latest season tonight in what is being called the most controversial ending to any Bachelor finale ever. How do we know this? Because Chris Harrison told us so. And he told us this last season. And the season before. And the season before that. And this WILL be true until next season, when THAT season seems to be the most shocking end to a Bachelor EVER! And every time I fall for it, and every time I’m disappointed. But hopefully this year will be different (fingers crossed).

Here are a few rejected teasers for the preview of tonight’s finale that I think would be a bit more fitting for this season:

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, we find out WHO is the genius behind the famous “The Ben” haircut that’s taking the nation by storm, and is considered by some to be the next coming of “The Rachel” from Friends.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, one of the girls heads bursts into flames RIGHT as Ben gets down on one knee to propose with his Neil Lane ring.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, we find out that who we thought was Ben The Bachelor this whole time turns out to be Tyra Banks, undercover in a man’s body suit for an exposé on gender differences.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER someone’s trust is majorly betrayed and it ends in a literal shark attack!!!

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben reveals that he was Rider Strong from Boy Meets World’s hair understudy in an off-Broadway production.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben can’t decide between Courtney and Lindzi (yes, that is the correct spelling) so instead drinks seven bottles of his very own wine from his very own vineyard, causing the first ever accidental suicide on primetime TV.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Jake Pavelka returns for a second chance after his drama with Vienna and BEGS for Ben’s love.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, a special edition of the show Snapped is filmed, featuring the limo driver who hauls away each and every one of the hysterically crying losers every week, as he goes on a destructive rampage.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, we find out that Ben Flajnik is actually the father of Snooki’s baby, sparking a spin-off: The Jerselor.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben’s final date and romantic proposal consists of taking the chosen girl to see Titanic in 3D!

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Chris Harrison reveals that he has been deathly allergic to roses this whole time and hates his job.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben breaks up with Lindzi over text, but his phone accidentally autocorrects “I’m sorry, it’s Courtney” to “I love you, Lindz.” Producers go into serious panic mode.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Courtney turns into a robot; still skinny-dips.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben gets a paper cut.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Lindzi arrives to the proposal as she did in the first episode: on a thoroughbred horse. The horse gets spooked by the cameraman, bucks her into the water, and tramples Ben.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, Ben shaves his head to make a wig for Kim Zolciak’s new wig line to be sold on QVC for the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

– Tonight, on the MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING TO ANY BACHELOR IN HISTORY EVER, something SO shocking that has never happened in the history of the show happens — TWO PEOPLE ACTUALLY FIND LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND DECIDE TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!! (Gasps are heard around the world.)

Tune in tonight to see who Ben chooses to live happily (two weeks) ever after with!

Amy Ansalone is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from New York, and who has also trained in improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Oh yeah, and if she looks familiar to you, you may have seen her as a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.