Lingerers, Admirers, and Silent Girl
by A Lady
I’m writing on behalf of A Few Friends, as we’re all dealing with this issue: our friend Asdf has been bringing her cousin Qwerty to hang out, and Qwerty takes a lot of energy to be around, to put it mildly. This person 1) only talks to the men in a group (she is straight) and barely makes eye contact with the women; 2) likes to start conversations about “that time I swear I almost turned a gay guy straight lol” and “that time in college I was topless lol” and will drop these subjects into the conversation regardless of the topic; 3) gets pissy when people (in particular, Asdf) don’t pay full attention to her and then drives off drunk in a huff because “people were mean to [her],” leading Asdf to stay up all night worrying about her safety.
Basically, she’s not a malicious person, she just seems self-centered and immature, and fulfills those stereotypes of females desperately needing male attention for validation, or what have you. Which, I know, she is a person and not a caricature, but as women who have spent our lives fighting these stereotypes, it’s a little grating. Our problem is that it’s getting tricky to invite our friend Asdf to events, because her answer is inevitably “Okay, I’ll invite Qwerty!” and, well, we don’t have the energy to deal with Qwerty. Both Qwerty and Asdf will be around for a while, so it looks like our options are 1) Start being sneaky about planning events, 2) Say something to Asdf (but people have done this in the past and it hasn’t gone down well because, Family), or 3) Suck it up and have infinite wells of patience. I am trying to be a good person and pick option three, but it’s hard to muster up the energy all the time. What to do? And if I’m being short-sighted or selfish about anything, please tell me!
Oh boy. This Lady would like to put forth the opinion that, with some reasonable exceptions (see below), socializing as an adult is about compromise — that is, giving up on the idea that you can somehow engineer your social calendar to be free from Awkward People, Slightly Racist People, People Who Don’t Pay Their Fair Share of the Check, People with Body Odor, People Who Stay Too Long after Dinner*, Couples with Annoying Children, Couples Without Children Who are Too Proud of Their Childlessness, Loud Talkers, Open Mouth Chewers, The Guy Who Always Needs a Ride, and Tim’s Republican Girlfriend.
Compromise is exactly what you’re going to have to do in this situation. Deliberately excluding people or starting drama by trying to have an friend-intervention (frientervention?) are for middle school. The most (the MOST) A Lady would recommend doing in this case is discussing the drunk driving with Asdf, and then only if you can manage to keep the focus exclusively on that behavior. Approach the entire situation this way: it’s probably only possible to change your own behavior here, and that’s going to be a big challenge as it is.
Practical tips! First of all, does your social scene revolve exclusively around big group events? If so, no wonder you’re getting annoyed — if every time you want to grab a drink on a Thursday night, you invite the whole crew, and along comes Qwerty, well, that’s gonna set your teeth on edge. Mix it up; hang out with subsets of this big group; don’t always invite everyone. Two benefits here: (a) you get a Qwerty break, increasing your patience for next time, and (b) if you ever really seriously can’t deal with seeing her, it’s not weird to leave her off the guest list — that’s just how your group functions!
Second, and requiring much more high-road-taking: try being extra, super nice to Qwerty for a month. For four weeks, every time you see her, you talk to her. You go over to her after you say hey to your other friends, even if she’s surrounded by guys, and ask about her job, her family, her upcoming travel plans. Avoid topics that are likely to annoy you (men, toplessness) and focus instead on trying to connect on some meaningful shared ground. A Lady’s guess is Qwerty can tell the girls in your group don’t like her, and what’s anybody to do in that situation but think to themselves, “Screw them!” and flirt with a bunch of more interested parties?
That’s it! Try those two things. And also, remember that social networks change constantly. You may be annoyed because you’re thinking to yourself, “Every time I’m at this damn bar FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I’m going to see her,” but guess what? That just ain’t true. People move, have kids, get sober, find religion, exchange their external genitalia for internal genitalia. Like life, this situation is temporary.
*Also known as Lingerers, A Lady’s personal kryptonite in this area. What the hell, Lingerers? All the wine is gone, dessert was over two hours ago, everybody’s got work in the morning, conversation has DRIED UP, Jesus Christ, please leave a Lady’s house! Never again!
I have a friend, let’s call her Beatrice. Beatrice is a few years younger than me, and we were good, not best, friends. About a year ago, I moved to a new city for a job. A few months later, with no job or particular purpose, Bea moved to my city. She leaned heavily on me at first, and I let her, because I thought I was being nice. And it was okay for a bit, but then it wasn’t.
I am an avid accordion player (it’s fun!); after moving, Bea bought one. I mentioned a pair of shoes that I wanted; a week later, they were on Bea’s feet. I dyed my hair blond; a few weeks later, so did Bea. I broke up with my boyfriend; two weeks later, Bea started sleeping with him. I was already starting to put some distance between us when we happened to show up at the same party. I overheard Bea telling a story that I’d told her about a vacation I’d been on with a former paramour, except she was telling it from a first person perspective. She had subbed herself out for me.
That’s about the time I pumped the brakes real hard. I waited a few days before responding to phone calls or texts. I made excuses for not going out with her. I thought it was going well for about two months, then one day, I heard my doorbell ring. There, on my doorstep, were a few gifts from her and a note saying she knew I was busy and she couldn’t wait to hang out again soon. I’m not sure how she got into my building.
Now, I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and blah blah blah, but this is starting to get a little creepy. And I feel bad avoiding her with no explanation. But how do you tell someone, “Listen, I’m sincerely afraid you’re going to Talented Mr. Ripley me, and so we can’t hang out anymore”? Should we even bother talking about it?
Let’s be brief and dispense with the Single White Female reference in the first line, here: don’t wait for the meathook to appear. It’s one thing to be polite and kind to someone annoying but harmless (see above), it’s another to let someone violate your boundaries and behave extremely creepily toward you while wondering, “Am I being a jerk?” It’s probably the case that Bea is just a lonely, confused girl, but A Lady doesn’t care about Bea, she cares about YOU and YOUR SAFETY.
The first thing you should do here is try to stop thinking of Bea as your friend and consider her actions objectively. You will only prioritize your safety once you stop feeling guilty for not being “nice,” which is really really really hard to do, A Lady knows. However! A helpful strategy here is to visualize someone you don’t know engaging in this behavior toward you — a random dude, a clerk in a store, someone from the internet. You’re not trying to give yourself a panic attack, you’re just attempting to get a perspective that will convince you that feelings of guilt are not helpful in this situation. It will also help to think about the legal issues here: stalking is a crime in every state in the US, though the burden of proof varies (if any readers doubt the behavior the LW describes resembles stalking, check out this). Entering a private residence without permission is a crime in every state in the US.
A Lady would next recommend taking normal precautions to secure your home, if you haven’t already done so — make sure windows lock, keys are accounted for and locks were changed before you moved in, somebody knows your general schedule, etc. A Lady sleeps with a giant Mag-Lite next to the bed, but A Lady also recommends a baseball bat (tip: jab, then swing). People who claim you are overreacting here are not respecting your right to set your own risk tolerance.
Finally and most crucially, define exactly when you’ll feel creeped out enough to contact the police, then write down a description of that point and stick to it.
Did all that? Great. Now you’re prepared for a worst-case scenario, and you can decide what you want to do next. Many steps might be appropriate: calling Bea to say you’re too busy to hang out in the immediate future, emailing Bea to say that you’ve found her behavior upsetting and you don’t want contact for a while, contacting Bea’s family, or, if she’s associated with a school or anything like that, a mental health counselor. It is also completely legitimate to do nothing!
The important thing to understand is that the issue here is not social etiquette; it’s personal safety.
I have a problem: I cannot actually speak to guys, especially if they are single and straight. I have great conversations with them about homework or the weather or commonplace things, but the second there is some inkling of potential connection, I get all spastic and strange. I quote random facts that I hear on the radio, and only later realize how unfortunately awkward our interactions are. Or, more often, I will try to think of Something Cool to say, and while I am thinking, the moment passes so I just become Silent Girl. I have psychoanalyzed myself often about this, but it really hasn’t helped. Any advice? My critical lack of confidence is repeatedly tripping me up!
Oh man, A Lady also quotes random facts she hears on the radio only slightly less often than random facts she reads on Wikipedia, which is to say: very often. For example: Did you know that burial and cremation are illegal within the San Francisco city limits? A Lady somehow manages to retain a Gentleman Caller, despite this curse.
There is a big general thing you’re going to have to internalize in order to overcome your confidence problems, but there’s a bunch of small stuff to do while you’re working on the big task:
(1) Practice talking to strangers in low-impact situations: Say “What’s up?” to the mail carrier or the grocery store clerk; be polite and friendly; practice getting in and out of the conversation smoothly and fairly quickly. Your goal here is to have small conversations frequently — that way you build up tolerance to awkwardness (it’s not the end of the world!) and you also improve your skills through practice (these are like exercise reps … but for your MIND).
(2) Limit internet time: Controversial, but lots of socially awkward people (including A Lady) spend a bunch of time on the internet, because it’s easier to interact socially there when there’s lots of time to draft witty responses and appear clever. All well and good, but if your goal is to improve face-to-face/synchronous interaction skills, cut that out for a while. Call people on the phone or make plans to meet up with them in person instead.
(3) Angle for activity + conversation: Lots of times conversational paralysis can be cyclical. If there’s one big lull, you get paranoid the other person is bored and looking for an opportunity to get away from you, then it becomes even harder to think of a good anecdote, then you’re worried that now the person is going to complain about how boring/weird/awkward you are, etc. Know what cuts down on that? Doing something else while you’re hanging out. Hiking, bowling, Bananagrams, playing pool or darts, cooking something — an activity naturally directs and stimulates conversation, taking some of the pressure off you.
All of these steps are in service of your real goal, which is to internalize the following Truth Bomb: Romantic happiness is not contingent on coolness, hotness, smartness, richness, funniness, or any other socially valued trait. You may find this terrifying or freeing (or both), but it’s pretty much a crapshoot out there in terms of who’s going to be interested in you/interesting to you, and the reasons why the attraction exists are usually a lot more ineffable than “She told some good jokes that one time.” And a true connection is rare, even for the most charming, cool, and beautiful people in the world (check out the tabloids). If your goal is a fulfilling relationship, focus on being kind and emotionally healthy, and you have as good a chance as the smoothest operator in the room of lucking into success.
If, on the other hand, your goal is to make out with a bunch of people (equally valid!), just follow steps 1–3 and wear the clothes you feel the most confident in to social occasions!
Today I received an email letting me know that ‘someone’ had sent me a $30 gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret. I thought it must be a scam, but I clicked on the link and it seems that I really do have a voucher for $30 to use online. The thing is, I have no idea who sent it to me. The email just says that it’s from ‘mystery man.’ I haven’t been dating anyone (or even hooking up with anyone) for a few months, and I can’t think of anyone who would send this romantically-inclined (slightly creepy?) e-gift. What I’m wondering is, should I still use it? There’s no way for me to find out who sent it without some awkward emails to ex-man-friends, so is it unscrupulous to use it without knowing (or even having a hunch)? On the other hand, a new bra sounds nice! Thoughts?
For those of you who think like A Lady: no, there was no guerrilla Vicky’s Secret Valentine’s Day marketing campaign to trick women into thinking they had secret admirers and spend money. A Lady checked the Internet! This voucher is a real-life thing?
It definitely isn’t unscrupulous to use it, or at least, a Lady can’t think of a reason why it would be. You can buy non-intimate apparel if you’re worried about using the voucher coming back to haunt you (Creepy Ex You Forgot About: “Are you wearing myyyyyy thong?”) or pay it forward by buying a friend a gift. It’s probably against some kind of law for VS to divulge whether or not you spend it/what you spend it on to the gifter, but A Lady would probably also call just to double-check on that. Who knows, maybe they can just straight up tell you who sent it? And, in the future, if the gifter should emerge and start displaying creepy behavior, please see advice to LW2!
Be safe out there, everybody!
Previously: The Mystery Mole.
A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady? (300-word max, please.)
Photo by AISPIX by Image Source, via Shutterstock