How Not to Order a Drink, Part Three

by Camille Santochi

Scottish Bartender at Los Angeles Gastropub: How does a snowman jizz?

Me: How?

Scottish Bartender: [throws ice down my shirt]

Me: Haha.

Scottish Bartender: What’ll ya ‘ave?

Me: I don’t know, it’s hard to decide!

Scottish Bartender: Are ‘ya one of ‘dem wee sissy gaaairls?

Me: Not at all!

Scottish Bartender: Aye … you sure abut dat? We don’t serve Corrunna herah.

Me: [lying] I don’t drink Corona! Make me something good involving whiskey.

Scottish Bartender: Aaalrighty. [serves mysterious brown drink on the rocks in giant tumbler]

Me: This is delicious! It doesn’t taste that strong.

Scottish Bartender: Hehehe, it’s a pure whiskey mixturah.’

Me: Really?

[20 hours later]

Me: [on phone] I have the worst headache I’ve ever had in my life.

Previously: The Old-Fashioned.

Camille Santochi is a reality television producer from Los Angeles. You can follow her on Twitter@omitofo or see where her cover band is playing next here.