Beauty Q&A: What’s That Smell?
Can we talk about perfume?
Hardly! Perfume is pretty difficult (for me) to talk about. Sure, some of you know your tuberose from your otherose-y-sounding-words-that-describe-scents, but most of us just know if something is “like flowers” or “stinks.” I am in that latter group of perfume dumb-dumbs, but I still want to talk about perfume, you know? Like, which ones are good? Which ones attract noses that don’t belong to us? Which ones aren’t gross? Et cetera. So, with the caveat that this is coming from someone who wears a lot of perfume but doesn’t possess any of the right vocab words to talk about it, I would like to introduce you to my personal favorites.
Chanel Beige
Hahaha, wait, WHAT!? Why is this FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS!? Okay, ummm, definitely do not buy this. But, since we’re already here and talking about it, I’ll try to explain why I like it. First, I obviously got this as a gift from someone who got it as a promotional item, so no one even remotely connected to me has $495 to spend on perfume. (If I’m wrong about that, hollerrr!) Unfortunately for future-me, it’s my go-to boring perfume — it calls itself “Beige” after all — and I love it. $495 to smell like you don’t really smell like anything in particular other than a lady who wears nice perfume is, now that I’m aware of the price, too much to spend for that experience. Still, it’s pretty great and inoffensive and the perfect little complement to your natural odor. I’m smelling it right now, and if it were a song, it would be this version of this one.
Lalique Le Parfum
Also a gift, this was given to me by a friend for letting her crash at my house in an emergency. (I’d have paid you to stay over, pal.) It reminds me of having a glass of wine on a terrasse in Montreal during the summer. “Terrasse” is fancy for “porch.” It might be kind of vanilla-y, but who knows? The words “warm and scrumptious, but a total snob” come to mind. It’s definitely strong and distinctive and made for a more mature woman, one who drinks wine and summers in Montreal. It is thiiis close to being an old lady perfume, but in a Chanel No. 5 way, not a Youth Dew way. I wear it with maxi-dresses, but only if I did my hair in hot rollers too. Making any sense at all? Like this:
Lalique Encre Noire
Encre Noire is by far the best looking perfume. Picked it up at a kiosk in the Beirut airport at midnight. This stuff reeks of a serious breakup that happened around that time — but I kind of love that about it. Ominous. Pretend you’re a very tall and foreign supermodel with blue eyes and black hair who only wears leggings and tunics, and you’re AMPED to ruin someone’s life. You probably wear this perfume! If Encre Noire were a song:
Kenzo Amour
Now we’re getting into sexy territory. I feel like lumping this perfume in with Hanae Mori because I used to wear that one the same way I wear this one: to make people want to ingest me. Like, not necessarily start humping immediately or anything, but eventual merging of assets. You know those smells? Foods Amour doesn’t necessarily smell like but makes me think of: Cotton candy. Pappardelle with lamb ragu. Twinkies. Oysters. Cookie dough. This one is good for making someone think they might love you, but if you want to BONE…
Couture Couture by Juicy Couture
What a stupid name, but I’m telling you, this is like one tiiiny step up from that Victoria’s Secret body spray that some, I’m not saying all, hot strippers wear. You know what I’m talking about. Buy the travel size at the checkout at Sephora if you’re afraid of what a big bottle might do to your social life. If Couture Couture by Juicy Couture were a borderline-NSFW song:
Penhaligon’s Scent Library
This is some bougie perfume, but it’s a good introduction to an old and distinctive British perfumer: Penhaligon’s. The names keep being fancy, too: Opus 1870. Endymion. Quercus. You can pull out almost any of these for the days you’re wearing Issey Miyake and want to smell gender-neutral. Or if you’re ever in this video:
And, my deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret (because it’s a million years old and I hide it in the back of a bottom drawer)…
Todd Oldham by Todd Oldham
Discontinued way back in the ’90s, this is probably my “signature scent.” It smells like warm, spicy cake OR SOMETHING? Look, if you couldn’t tell by now that I have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s some convincing evidence: I don’t know what my signature scent smells like other than “the best.” There is no song boss enough to capture how amazing this disgusting old bottle of brown liquid smells, but if one could come close, here it is. (NSFW, of course):
Previously: Grays, OTKs, and Sleeping in Rollers.
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