Thoughts I Had While Not Playing the Mass Effect 3 Demo

By The Hairpin February 15, 2012

by Jennifer Culp

The Mass Effect 3 demo came out yesterday, but I was at work.

Jennifer Hale is so awesome. SO AWESOME. I wish she would narrate my inner monologue.
Why does Liara have eyebrows?
People on the Citadel pre-Reaper attack are less energetic dancers than people on Omega.
I think Commander Shepard may have a drinking problem. I have never seen any iteration of Commander Shepard turn down a drink while on duty, ever, even after that Batarian bartender tried to poison her. (Or him.) Maybe that says something about all of my friends who play Mass Effect. Nah.
That reminds me, Jacob never did take me to get loud and spill some drinks on the Citadel. Hmmph.
Do Asari really bombard one another with lady mag-style undermine-y advertising? Or is Illium just the Cosmo of the galaxy? Wouldn’t you gain a little perspective after a few hundred years of life? Do incredible diplomatic and/or ass kicking skills count for nothing in the future? I really like that Asari bartender in the Eternity Lounge. I don’t think she buys into that crap.
Heeheeheehee, “Fornax.”
I think I miss the Mako in theory more than practice. I’ve killed enough thresher maws to stay satisfied forever. BUT, escaping from Ilos is one of my favorite video game sequences of all time. Props to the Mako for being so hard to flip over, too! I inadvertently killed a lot of good Marines with the Warthog in Halo. Aaaaand, now I miss the Mako again.
Thane vs. Garrus: who wins?
Wrex. Urdnot Wrex is always going to win, unless ASHLEY RUINS EVERYTHING.
I wonder if other people learned that Yvonne Strahovski exists only after playing Mass Effect 2 and are therefore always surprised and slightly creeped out to see Miranda as a real-life blonde person, but relieved to see her wearing normal human clothing.
What is the Illusive Man’s DEAL?
Do you think Kelly Chambers missed her calling to become the next Consort?
House music is the best choice for relaxing in your bedroom and picking out your next armor color. Keeping fish alive is hard.
Does anyone ever use the bathrooms on the Normandy SR-2? I can never catch anybody in there. Does it matter if I enter the bathroom meant for the opposite sex if no one else is using it? Do aliens pee the same way we do?
How do Quarians go to the bathroom? Do they have some sort of stillsuit thing going on in those stylish-looking environmental suits? Does that make them smell weird? I’m a little wigged out by the potential Shepard/Tali hook-up, to be frank. No one should have to take antibiotics for love! Or should they? I don’t know. I kind of like the idea of Tali and Garrus together.
It will be a nice surprise to see what comes with the Collector’s Edition of Mass Effect 3. I heard the words “robot dog,” was SOLD, and failed to take in anything else. Thanks, GameStop Game Advisor!
I don’t think Jack will be able to successfully address her anger issues until she changes into something more comfortable than that nipple belt. The CHAFING.
I bet even people who don’t give a fig about Mass Effect are charmed by Mordin and his delightful singing. Best singing in a game ever, after GLaDOS.
And then some wonderful geniuses went and created THIS!
I wonder if it would be possible to have a Galaxy Map installed in my home. Even without mass relay technology, it would be so peaceful to just stand there and look at planets and listen to the music…
Please never make me mine a planet again, Bioware. My thumb still hasn’t recovered from Mass Effect 2.
I would totally pay to watch an all-Elcor production of Hamlet. On second thought, a 14-hour Elcor play would be exhausting. But I laughed a lot at the idea!
Did Cerberus implant something to make you turn fugly if you’re a Renegade when they resurrected Shepard? I don’t recall Shepard’s face turning ugly after acting in like fashion in the first game. Doesn’t it give away your evil game to look all, well, evil? If you had evil powers, wouldn’t you use them to look fantastic? A couple of years ago, I thought about Mass Effect every time I read something about Sarah Palin talking about being a Renegade.
I am fine with my boyfriend’s giant crush on Dr. Chakwas, because 1. She is awesome, and 2. She is not a real person. I am SO NOT JEALOUS that he thinks she is cooler than a chilled glass of Serrice Ice Brandy. (Really, I’m not. But I tease him about it a lot.)
At the end of Mass Effect 3, my main Shepard will kill all the Reapers, the entire galaxy will recognize her heroism, and she will have a well-animated love scene with Kaidan (she waited for you through Mass Effect 2, Alenko!) that doesn’t end with her creepily watching him sleep from across the room while fully dressed. Then the two of them will go on to have extremely attractive biotic babies and Kaidan will be a stay-at-home dad while Shepard runs the military operations of all the sentient species in the galaxy. The end! (I hope.)